Hi Paul,
Welcome to IIS!!!
Yours is a very familiar story - long hiatus followed by a reawakening. I did exactly the same thing a few years back and asked the same questions.
Just some very general advice from me.
Even though your initial post screams refractor, one of the most important questions is to decide FIRST what you really want to achieve in the hobby. This will be dictated by your passion for one particular activity or another; Observing, photography - deep sky vs solar system, comet/asteroid hunting, fixed or portable equipment etc. There are as many possibilities for equipment as combinations of these things = LOTS! The most limiting factor is usually budget. If you want to be a jack of all trades though, equipment choice will be harder IMO. I can't emphasise enough how important it is to make this decision -
what do you really want to do?
In my case I chose, photography, deep sky, fixed equipment - easy choice cause that's my passion. I originally wanted portable stuff but soon realised that high level deep sky photography is very difficult if you have to set up & tear down (but certainly not impossible - see Mike Sidonio's amazing portfolio as proof). My budget wasn't unlimited but it was substantial so that meant I could choose top shelf equipment.
I'm sure you've already figured out who the top shelf vendors are so my only other advice is spend as much as you can - you get what you pay for. Deep space photography is arguably the most expensive path to take. Also, IMO, it's far more expensive to go the trial and error route than it is to buy top shelf in the first place. I've seen a few people spend small fortunes buying and selling equipment that isn't suited to their goals or because they're slaves to a bargain. Take your time and choose carefully.
As to what accessories you need to buy there are so many different options and opinions out there it's probably best to lurk on the various forums to see what like minded people - folks who have the same goal as you - are doing (and doing very well) and what they're using. I did exactly that for many months before I homed in on my initial purchases.
Cheers, Marcus