Mechanic

[FlashDrive (Poppy)]

Mechanic On Duty:
$20 per hour
$35 per hour if you watch
$150 per hour if you worked on it first.

Jaguar: Just At Garage Undergoing Another Repair

Col.....

[julianh72 (Julian)]

Originally Posted by FlashDrive

Jaguar: Just At Garage Undergoing Another Repair

Reminds me of that classic joke that aired on the "Jaaaaags" episode of "The Grand Tour" recently:

Q: Why do the English drink their beer warm?
A: Because Lucas also made refrigerators.

[Ausrock (Chris)]

Aaaahhhhh........Lucas, the prince of darkness.

[Russj (Russ)]

To add smoke to the current "Lucas bashing"

ELECTRICAL THEORY OF SMOKE...BY JOSEPH LUCAS

Positive ground depends upon proper circuit functioning, the transmission of negative ions by retention of the visible spectral manifestation known as "smoke". Smoke is the thing that makes electrical circuits work; we know this to be true because every time one lets the smoke out of the electrical system, it stops working. This can be verified repeatedly through empirical testing.

When, for example, the smoke escapes from an electrical component (i.e., say, a Lucas voltage regulator), it will be observed that the component stops working. The function of the wire harness is to carry the smoke from one device to another; when the wire harness "springs a leak", and lets all the smoke out of the system, nothing works afterwards. Starter motors were frowned upon in British Automobiles for some time, largely because they consume large quantities of smoke, requiring very large wires.

It has been noted that Lucas components are possibly more prone to electrical leakage than Bosch or generic Japanese electrics. Experts point out that this is because Lucas is British and all things British leak. British engines leak oil, shock absorbers, hydraulic forks and disk brakes leak fluid, British tires leak air and the British defense establishment leaks secrets...so, naturally, British electronics leak smoke.

[fornax (Phil)]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley
Davidson motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his
shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to
come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the
Garage, 'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?' The cardiologist, a
bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the
motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and
asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves
out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish,
it works just like new. So how come I make $60,000 a year and you get
the really big bucks when you and I are doing basically the same work?'
The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the
mechanic ... 'Try doing it with the engine running.'

[FlashDrive (Poppy)]

Originally Posted by fornax

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley
Davidson motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his
shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to
come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the
Garage, 'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?' The cardiologist, a
bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the
motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and
asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves
out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish,
it works just like new. So how come I make $60,000 a year and you get
the really big bucks when you and I are doing basically the same work?'
The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the
mechanic ... 'Try doing it with the engine running.'

Good One ....

[raymo]

Having owned, raced, and stripped and rebuilt many Jags, starting in 1955, I feel qualified to comment on Julian's post. from the late 1930s until the
late 1980s Jags were as reliable as most other makes. Between the late 80s
and mid 90s their quality control was appalling, but that was corrected, and they are now great cars again, especially as their Indian owners do not interfere with their design team. The XK engine was terrific, and only suffered from prematurely noisy timing chains[a big job to rectify].
100% agree with the Lucas assessment though.
raymo

[fornax (Phil)]

Ducati - making mechanics out of motorcyclists since 1946

[Bart]

Did you hear that 96% of all Jaguars are still on the road? The other 4% have made it home!

LOL! I remember one day I just happened to look out the workshop door in time to see a V12 Jag go around the corner and I thought, "That looks a bit smokey." I didn't give it much more thought until a couple of minutes later when a chap screeched to a halt out side of the workshop door and shouted frantically "There is a Jaguar car on fire around the corner!"

My apprentice and I grabbed an extinguisher each and raced down the road and around the corner to see this car well alight. Being well versed in extinguishers and the correct way to put the fire out, we sparyed from under the car into the engine bay before openng the bonnet so we did not ventilate the fire. After opening the bonnet we found we had been successful and the hot metal was smoking but the fire was out.

The owner was very grateful that we had done a great job and the fire truck pullled up as the owner was congratulating us. The firies all bounced out of the truck and set to work starting the pump and two of them wheeled out a hose. As the first one approached the car with his rather large hose, the owner became distressd and tried to discourage him from using the hose in case he caused damge to the metal of the engine from dousing it with water.

The fireman looked at him dead pan and said, "Mate, see a fire, put water on it" and let rip with the hose.

Was one of the funnist things I have ever witnessed!!

[blink138 (Pat)]

Originally Posted by FlashDrive

Mechanic On Duty:
$20 per hour
$35 per hour if you watch
$150 per hour if you worked on it first.

Jaguar: Just At Garage Undergoing Another Repair

Col.....

FIAT ...................... fix it again Tony
pat

[Sconesbie (Scott)]

Found
On
Rubbish
Dump

Bit of tin, bit of board, put them together you have a Ford.

[Sconesbie (Scott)]

A mate called his mechanic and said he had a bit of water in the engine. The mechanic asked where the car was and he said "in the Yarra river".

[Sconesbie (Scott)]

Another mate took his car into the mechanic. After some observation the mechanic said "crap in the carburetor". My mate replied "tried that, didn't work".

[AndrewJ]

Man walked into a mechanics shop and asked if he had a set of windscreen wipers for a Trabant.

Mechanic thought for a while and agreed that it would be a fair swap, as long as the Trabant didn't have any big dents in it.


Andrew

[FlashDrive (Poppy)]

Originally Posted by Sconesbie

Found
On
Rubbish
Dump

Bit of tin, bit of board, put them together you have a Ford.

Found
On
Royal
Driveways

For
Only
Racing
Drivers

Fuc**d
On
Race
Day

A ' wannabe ' Mechanic rang up an asked for a fan belt for an early VW.

[LewisM]

Ford: Fixed Often Repaired Daily

GM Holden: Godless Motherless Holden

VW: Very Wanky (being an owner, I can attest to it )

BMW: Bloody Massive Wanker

Volvo: it's Swedish for women's bits

Saab: Sucky Automobile Aktiebolag (Swedish word for a company on the stock market)

Pontiac: Poofta ON Trip In A Car

Citroen: they are all lemons (a play on the similarity between the french word for lemons [citron] and Citroen)

Nissan: Never Is Something So Slow as Nisan