I found this hilarious entry on an amateur astronomer's website (Jeff's Jokes) that I thought warranted sharing
.....frighteningly, the totalitarian in me was rather attracted to some of the principles laid down
:
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Police Those Star Parties!
The star parties staged by our astronomy club were becoming unruly and chaotic. Perhaps you've noticed the same trend in your own club observing sessions. Do your typical group nights consist of telescopes careening rapidly from one bright object to another - a minute on M13, another minute for the Andromeda Galaxy, a brief glimpse at the Ring Nebula? Observing at excessive speeds is a common infraction. Another is the stunting that some observers revel in. They claim to see targets like Palomar 4, a magnitude 14 globular cluster, in a 4-inch telescope and then have the nerve to boast for all to hear, "But it's real easy to see!"
Another insidious practice that is becoming more widespread occurs when lazy observers rush over to see an object that a more disciplined amateur has found after spending half the night star-hopping to its obscure location. Such thievery of photons is unconscionable. What's more, these parasitic observers then glance through the victim's finderscope or Telrad finder so they can sight the location of the target and quickly sweep up the same object in their telescopes. They then add insult to injury by claiming to have found the object themselves. Such claims are illegitimate in our minds. Guilty parties should be stripped of their Messier badges.
The disorderly conduct was becoming to much to handle. The trend had to stop. To stem the tide of unruly observing, our club formed a much-feared but effective Observing Police. Their job: bring discipline and good ob- serving skills to the uncontrolled nighttime mob. It was a tough job, but someone had to do it.
To enforce order, our Observing Police regularly patrol local star parties. Armed with red flashlights, they inspect observers and hand out citations for any observing they feel does not conform to the high standards we are attempting to instill. Citations that the Police have recently issued include:
OBSERVING TOO QUICKLY - A speed of 5 objects per hour is in force at our observing site. All objects must be sketched and sketches must be available for inspection during random spot checks. PENALTY: Confis- cation of eyepieces.
OPERATING A TELESCOPE IN AN UNSAFE MANNER - Includes bonking people on the head with the tube of a long refractor or wiring a telescope tube to a high-voltage generator to create a giant "dew-zapper" effect. PENALTY: Observing with said telescope.
STUNTING - Such as claiming to see invisible objects. PENALTY: Thirty days Solar observing. A further crime is claiming to actually see detail in invisible objects. PENALTY: Immediate promotion to club pres- ident.
RECKLESS OBSERVING - You're guilty if you think you see objects not actually being viewed. (such as exclaiming that "the Cocoon Nebula is really bright!" when the telescope is pointed at the Andromeda Galaxy). Also includes viewing objects with inappropriate filters and mag- nifications (such as scanning the Pleiades at 900X with an O III filter). PENALTY: One night in the Coma-Virgo galaxy cluster with a 60 mm tele- scope and an old Norton's Star Atlas as your only guide.
IMPAIRED OBSERVING - On one occasion an observer was caught trying to find an apparently interesting object called NGP. "But it's marked right here on my atlas!"he protested, not realizing the object was, in fact, the North Galactic Pole. Carefully searching for deep-sky objects with a sub-aperature planetary mask in place over a Dobsonian is also subject to ticketing. TYPICAL PENALTY: Tracking down all the Messier objects- in numerical order.
IMPERSONATING AN OBSERVER - Infractions include arriving at an observing site in July with a 20-inch telescope with the intention of observing the Orion Nebula. Or owning a 20-inch telescope with digital setting circles and never looking at anything except the brightest Messier objects. PENALTY: A mandatory one-night Messier Marathon- WITHOUT the digital circles.Our Observing Police have also found a lucrative method of raising money for Club activities - mostly to purchase Nagler eyepieces for all the club executives. We now require that all observers buy observing licenses. We set the highest fees for the brightest objects. This discourages people from partaking in the tiresome and unproductive practice of observing the same bright objects over and over again.
Our license fee structure is as follows:
Moon $1000.00
Planet $500.00
Galaxy $20.00
Planetary Nebula $10.00
Orion Nebula $1000.00
All other diffuse nebulae $2.50
M13 $1000.00
All other globulars $1.50
Open clusters and double stars FREE
Comets and Meteors 3 for $1.00
In addition, novice observers must obtain a learner's permit, at a cost of $50.00.
By enforcing these regulations we have found that our star parties are now much easier to manage. Gone is the boisterous, uncontrolled enthusiasm of the past. The chaos has been replaced by a quiet, disciplined observing that is a credit to amateur astronomy. Perhaps your club will follow our lead.
