Your daily laugh

[lacad01 (Adam)]

Nice one Jen

[Ric]

That's a beauty Jen LOL

Cheers

[AstralTraveller (David)]

Old upholsteres never die ... they just keep on recovering!

A guy walks into a bar with a black eye. His friend asks how he got it. Well! He says, you know I go to Mass at the pro-Cathedral every Sunday. Last Sunday I sat behind Mrs Murphy. Being a lovely sunny day, she was wearing a lovely floral print dress. As I was admiring how the dress fit her womanly figure I noticed that when she knelt down for the consecration the dress was caught in the crease of her bottom. Knowing how uncomfortable that looked I bent over the seat and tugged the hem of the dress to release it from the crack and 'POW' Hence the black eye. The following week he meets up with his friend in the bar. The black eye has turned yellow and starting to fade but the other eye is black and blue. His friend asks how it happened. Well! Says he, you know every Sunday, Mass, pro-Cathedral... I happened to sit behind Mrs Murphy again, lovely floral dress. At the consecration I noticed when she knelt down the dress was caught up the crack again but before you could say 'pray for us ...' the guy beside me bent over and tugged in the hem of her dress to release it. Now I know that Mrs Murphy doesn't like that so I was pushing it back into the crack...

A guy staggers into a bar and eventually seats himself on a barstool. Holding on for balance, he slurs, "Hey bartender, gimmee a beer." The bartender looks him in the eye and says, I think you've had enough. Go home and sleep it off. The guy gets up and staggers out without an argument. About 20 minutes later, he's back, this time at the side entrance, staggering his way back to the bar. Getting his bearings, he slurs a request for a beer. The bartender, a little annoyed, reminds the drunk that he needed to go home and sleep it off. Again, no argument as he staggers out. About 20 minutes later, the bartender hears a terrible racket in the kitchen. Soon, the same drunk winds his way to the service station at the back of the bar and again asks for a beer. By this time, the bartender's patience is gone. He threatens to call the police if the man doesn't immediately leave his establishment and go home and sleep it off. Again, without argument, the drunk promises to leave, but wants to ask just one question of the bartender before he leaves. "How many bars do you work in, anyhow???


A giraffe walks into a bar and says: "The highballs are on me!"

[Kevnool (Kev)]

A neutron go's into a pub and asks for a drink.
He asks the barman, How much?
For you son no charge.

Cheers Kev.

[Jen]

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,
HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
ENERGEX WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE,

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO

FINE, SHE SAYS
THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK

I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS
HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
BUNNINGS WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS.............................. ....

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED

JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID,
SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

SHE REPLIED,
HELLOOOOO..
DO YOU SEE SARA LEE WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?

I DON'T THINK SO!

[that_guy (Tony)]

why does the moon orbit the earth?!

A: To get to the other side!!!

[TrevorW]

Nice one Jen

[Ric]

Good one Jen.

[TrevorW]

At 85 years of age, Wally married Anne, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected ‘knock’ on the door.
Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one.

All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it’s Wally.
Again he is ready for more ‘action.’

Somewhat surprised, Anne consents for more coupling.

When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it….. Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more ‘action.’

And, once again they enjoy each other.

But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, ‘I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally.’
Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Anne and says: …….’You mean I've been here already?’

[kinetic (Steve)]

Emptying eighteen bottles of whiskey

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and pured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the thrid bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twent-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under tha affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

-- Author unknown

[supernova1965 (Warren)]

SEX AFTER DEATH

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.

Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact:

"Marion... Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.

I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.

Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens).

Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.

Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"

"No... I'm a rabbit in Dubbo!!!!!

[Jen]

LMAO

[cfranks (Charles)]

An Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a Bar. The Barman says "What's this, some kind of joke?"

[Kevnool (Kev)]

Why was Hans Solo crying while he was eating his steak ?

Because it was Chewy.

Cheers Kev.

[Kevnool (Kev)]

Originally Posted by cfranks

An Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a Bar. The Barman says "What's this, some kind of joke?"

Thats funny.

[Roobi]

heres a cute one my nephew loves:
how do you fit 100 pikachus onto a bus?




you pokemon.

[Kevnool (Kev)]

Originally Posted by Roobi

heres a cute one my nephew loves:
how do you fit 100 pikachus onto a bus?




you pokemon.

My son can relate to that,
It made him laugh.

Cheers Kev.

[michaellxv (Michael)]

Originally Posted by Roobi

heres a cute one my nephew loves:
how do you fit 100 pikachus onto a bus?




you pokemon.

made my kids laugh.

[Jen]

MALE V FEMALE AT THE ATM
A new sign in the Bank reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are
requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1... Drive up to the ATM.
2. LOWER your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Raise window.
7. Drive off.
************************* ******
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
(Unfortunately, most of this is the Truth.!!)
1. Drive up to ATM machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN .
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to ATM machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card
holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and drive off.
25. Redial person on mobile phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 kilometres.
27. Release Hand Brake.

[supernova1965 (Warren)]

Nice one Jen well worth the length