This was lifted from one of my car club magazines.
Enjoy. Greg.
A woman was leaving a coffee shop with her take-away morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession leaving the nearby church. A long black hearse was followed by a second hearse about 50 feet behind.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pitbull terrier on a leash. Behind her were about 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the grieving widow walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my cheating husband."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
"His mistress. She tried to help my husband, then the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.
"Can I borrow your dog?"
The grieving widow replied, "Sure … but you’ll have to get in line."
'Mr. XXXX, I have reviewed your case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week.'
'That's very fair, your Honour,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few dollars myself.'
A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born ?'
The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button , nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea....'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know s*h*t?
Warren Hahahaha
