Revised one liners

[TrevorW]

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that….2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.


The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.Talk about Dyson with death.


Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador. "Really, …" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"


I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.



My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.


I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.


The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.



A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!! blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RACQ van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown.'

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?'

[GeoffW1 (Geoff)]

Next stop - Australia's Got Talent

[erick (Eric)]

Boom-tish!

[Jaybee (John)]

[Waxing_Gibbous (Peter)]

Bagpipes.....Love it!

[tlgerdes (Trevor)]

You left out......

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic, transvetite. He just wanted to eat, drink ,and be Mary!

[erick (Eric)]

I met this dyslexic agnostic insomniac - he is up all night wondering if there is a Dog.

[lacad01 (Adam)]

good ones

[AstralTraveller (David)]

Originally Posted by Waxing_Gibbous

Bagpipes.....Love it!

Except that it threatens an outbreak of instrument jokes.

"I will be good. No banjo jokes."
"I will be good. No banjo jokes."
"I will be good. No banjo jokes."
"I will be ..... oh bugger it"

What's the definition of perfect pitch?
Lobbing a banjo into the dumpster without touching the sides.

[Ric]

Good value.

there's a few classics in that lot.

[lacad01 (Adam)]

Originally Posted by AstralTraveller

What's the definition of perfect pitch?
Lobbing a banjo into the dumpster without touching the sides.

Aww common, banjo aint that bad Now if it was piano accordian, spot on

[AstralTraveller (David)]

Originally Posted by lacad01

Aww common, banjo aint that bad Now if it was piano accordian, spot on

A bloke I know left his accordian in the back of his car in town one day. Approaching the car upon his return he was shocked to see that one of the back windows was smashed. He feared that the instrument had been stolen. He was relieved and puzzled to find that, not only was his accordian still there, there were now two more in the car.

[FlashDrive (Poppy)]

They say that walking is good for your health.

Well ... Grannie started walking again when she was 75 ... Today it's her 90th birthday ... and nobody knows where she is.

How long is a piece of string .... ?

How far can a dingo ....?

How much can a Koala Bear ... ?

Good " one liners " below to.

Flash

[ballaratdragons (Ken)]

A Man walked into McDonalds.

It hurt, so the next time he used the door

[jenchris (Jennifer)]

These are genuine clips from British Council flat tenants complaining to the Council about problems with their flats.

My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen

50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.


I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

[AstralTraveller (David)]

I'm in tears.

[scagman (John)]

Originally Posted by AstralTraveller

I'm in tears.

Ditto

[Ric]

Classic Jennifer,

[jenchris (Jennifer)]

THOUGHTS FOR THE DAY

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists.....they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you obviously have overlooked something.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane!

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the furture. Laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever......so far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasles don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared to death twice?

My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The hardness of butter is proportional to the softness of bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagerism....to steal from many is research.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

Everyone has a photographic memory....some just don't have film

[FlashDrive (Poppy)]

A fisherman once wrote in a personal ad for a lady friend.

Wanted ... 1 very " fisherman " friendly lady who loves fishing ... and has her own boat.
Be of sound mind ... cheeky... slim... sense of humour... love the outdoors...home life ..bbq's .

If interested ... please reply with photo of BOAT.