Domestic Violence

[mozzie (Peter)]

thats great ben!!

hope everythings going to go well for yourself and family

[strongmanmike (Michael)]

Originally Posted by Benno85

Thanks big fella, I wouldn't say that both times were major by violence standards (once was a few left hooks to my head which split my ear, and last night was a headbutt on my nose ) but any violence is still violence.

Deep down I know that these outbursts are the result of her conditions so in that regard it's easier to stay strong for her. If she was normal and took pleasure in all of this then that would be a totally different scenario.

Far be it for me to judge but what you describe does not sound trival.

There are many things I could say on the topic of the unacceptable but widely ignored levels of violence experienced by men but I will refrain from doing so, so as not to divert the discussion away from your specific plight.

I hope your positive sounding eventuations today prove fruitful.

ATB

Mike

[DavidTrap (David)]

Glad to hear you've gotten a firm diagnosis - just remember the therapy can take a while to "kick in", and then there's the insight required from the patient to stay on their therapy.

Hope things improve.

DT

[michaellxv (Michael)]

Ben,

That's a very tough situation your are in. You have taken the most important step by reaching out for help. You don't need to face this alone, but with friends and family beside you you can work through it.

I wish you and your family all the best.

[Max Vondel (Peter)]

I feel sorry for you Ben but how about this.........

She's just like another telescope.....
You've seen better and had worse......
Start saving for the next one.......
This time it WILL be perfect......
(you can't easily fix imperfections)

[Jen]

Wow Ben hang in there buddy at least you have a diagnosis you all can stick together and fix this I was in a violent relationship once but he was an alcoholic and refused to give it up so i had to walk away in the end as he didnt want to help himself 15 years later he is still the same and i will never go back.
Good luck mate tough times ahead still though.
Keep ya spirits high

[ballaratdragons (Ken)]

Ben, my hope for you is that your wife 'wants' the help.

Mine didn't. She never physically harmed any of us (me and 3 very little kids), she wrung us dry mentally for years!
But she physically harmed other people when she would vanish for months at a time.
She now lives under the care of Mental Disability Services.

I brought my kids up by myself for 10 years until I met the fantastic lady I have now who my kids are happy to have her as their mum for the last 9 years.
Unfortunately due my ex's actions (or you could say lack of a Mothers actions) one of my kids has disabilities caused by her ('attachment disorder' being just one of them).

My ex never wanted help and still doesn't. She is happy in her multiple personality/schitzo/violent life.

I really hope for you and your kids that your wife really does want help, and to put an end to the harm she is causing.

[Alchemy (Clive)]

I hope it works out for you, maybe medication can help, I saw one relationship where meds was working, then apparently she went off them and it ended up with a friend being called in the middle of the night as she had a knife, the police ended up being called to resolve it. I wasn't there but know all the people involved.

As much as people love each other, violence is unacceptable, it's not just yourself- you have children, seek professional medical help and get professional advice for yourself.

It's such a delicate matter, but if you have had 5 years of hell it's also very serious.

All the best.

Clive.

[wavelandscott (Scott)]

Hang in there and get the best professional help you can.

My youngest brother was eventually diagnosed with a Bi-polar disorder and after lots of counseling (for him and us) and trying several different medications (for him), we finally found the "right" combination to help him.

I can't describe how frightening it was in our house when he was "off"...for many years my family dealt with the situation in silence which in hindsight was a big mistake. It was especially hard on my parents who watched their wonderful son go from being wonderful to frighteningly violent (think Jack Nickelson "Here's Johnny!")...scary stuff.

Diagnosis is a step in the right direction and if medication is recommended don't be too heartbroken if it takes a while to find one that works.

Make sure that you are taking care of yourself and kids through all of this...and know that we are thinking of you here.

[Benno85 (Ben)]

Thanks very much guys and girls, you should all feel honoured to know that all of this discussion is helping me

I suppose at the moment the hardest part for me now is trying to learn how to talk and interact with her without setting her off. To be honest my tactic lately has been to be the nice calm person that I am, and when things start going sour I simply walk away to let things cool off. I wish I knew for sure if that is the right way to handle things but at the end of the day it's better than reciprocating an argument because I know where that will end up.

Mike, I totally hear you about the stigma attached to all of this when it's a man who is the victim. It took a heap of guts for me to go and make a statement to police about it but they have been supportive as well. Unspoken truth be known that if it was me who was violent things would be TOTALLY different

Also tearing me apart is how best to show my support for her in seeking help, even though I am still not 100% sure that I am prepared to be there as her husband. 5 years of "all of this" is alot to try and move on from, I'm only 24 and have been to hell and back numerous times and had to show strength and discipline well beyond the status quo for my age range. I'm not whinging about what has happened (it has certainly toughened me up alot ) I just have real doubts as to whether or not I see a future together.

To make it even more complicated, 11 years ago she was nearly killed in a car accident, cutting a long story short she received an out of court settlement which is held in trust for her well being and for the rest of her life (she won't be able to work due to her attitude more than anything). Being that I am one of the trustees, I am further torn between how to proceed.....I have some power as a trustee to basically force treatment etc.


Anyway, I had best get back to work, from the bottom of my heart once again thank you to all you guys and girls

Ben

[leon]

Ben, sorry mate I probably spoke before i thought, that is just me, very impulsive, I had no idea of how serious your situation was, please accept my apology.

I know in reality I can't help you, but my thoughts are with you, I hope the light gets brighter at the end of the tunnel

Leon