A young lad handed in his school homework about his dog. The teacher said to him "that story is exactly like your brothers". The lad replied "it's because it's the same bloody dog".
Paddy placed a for sale ad about his pet python. A response come through "is it a big one". Paddy replied "oh yes, quite large". The reply was "how many feet"? Paddy replied "it's a snake, it doesn't have any".
paddy phones up the local classifieds as he wants to sell his ladder, paddy says how much is it to advertise? the receptionist replies "its a pound fifty per inch" paddy reels in horror "sweet mary and joseph thats gunna cost me too much!" so the receptionist says "why how long is it?" paddy says "about twenty foot!"
ha ha i like that one!
pat
paddy phones up the local classifieds as he wants to sell his ladder, paddy says how much is it to advertise? the receptionist replies "its a pound fifty per inch" paddy reels in horror "sweet mary and joseph thats gunna cost me too much!" so the receptionist says "why how long is it?" paddy says "about twenty foot!"
ha ha i like that one!
pat
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus… “You mean a Martini?” The bartender asks. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers: ...
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little *******.
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered Alsatian (German Shepherd).
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE ..
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
**** And the WINNER is... ****
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
Twelve reasons why a man should have dogs instead of a wife:
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. You can put a dog into the boot of your car and drive around for an hour and when you let it out it will still love you....Try doing that with your wife!
12. A dog will lay "silently" besides you while you are watching TV or while reading the paper!
Inthe great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers. He’s my right-hand man, and he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless." Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself." "Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....." Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that, Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to fukc off."
Inthe great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers. He’s my right-hand man, and he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless." Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself." "Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....." Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that, Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to fukc off."
.... and gross
.....
