Mid life crisis - have you had one, and survived?

[xelasnave]

Tim it is really good that you are talking about it.
I had a complete collapse and it could have been avoided if I had simply seen my GP.
.
I decided I was too old to do what I did.
I had a real estate office and gave it up at 49 yrs
Looking back poor physical health was probably the major cause because I had to push my body beyond what it could handle.
So my advise is look at your fitness.
To work you have to be fit and even then it takes a till.
Also one can see love ones differently as if they somehow cause your condition. Just remember it's not them...that can be hard.
I once thought I was.100 per cent right but happily now I realise I was 100 per cent wrong. When I felt like you describe I saw a different reality.
I no longer have the obsessive need to be perfect, right or in control and that lack of those needs makes life somewhat perfect.
I have seen so many friends go thru this..many taking the short way out.
Never argue with spouse or workers.
State your truth clearly and don't get upset if others are not on the same page.
My relationships are all great now because I don't disagree.
It's pointless arguing as it's often against a belief..you can't win..and it doesn't matter.
I find astronomy great it gets it all in perspective..we are here for but a blink and really of little importance so why worry.

[Kunama]

Very familiar sentiments in the above posts. I had been an investigator with the AFP for 21 years when I suddenly realised I had had enough of dealing with the stresses of carrying guns, dealing with drunks, and especially not being able to spend time with the family ...... it was time for a major change. For me the source of my unhappiness was my work, so I resigned and have never regretted it.

The greatest support you will get is from your family but only if they know how you feel. Work to me for the next 15 years was just something I did so I could enjoy the rest of the time with my children and wife sailing, skiing, diving and travelling. The only thing that really matters is time spent with your family.
I spent 2 hours today snoozing on the couch with my 11 month old granddaughter asleep on my chest, two of the best hours of my life !!!

I too suggest that you talk to your family and to your GP but seems to me that your work is the biggest source of discontentment, the other issues may well resolve themselves if you change direction in your work. If your work situation allows you to take time off (leave without pay) to try something else, you will have the ability to return should you wish..

One thing I realised very quickly was that the high income was not such a necessity for happy enjoyable life, we quickly adjusted to the difference in wages and in fact enjoyed the change from restaurant meals to BBQs and Bush Breakfasts.

[tlgerdes (Trevor)]

Hi Tim,

There is a lot of good advice in what others have said. My first observation is that you have taken the first good steps, observed that you may have a problem (likewise you may not have a problem) , and started have talking about it.

It think everyone goes through this at sometime in their life, mine happened in my teens after my parents divorced, and this gave me the tools and skills to handle those things in my future.

[LewisM]

Very similar experiences for me to Matt's.

I grew up in aviation. I was pre-destined for aviation. And so I did. Worked for one of the world's top airlines. I very quickly realised - after getting married and having kids - that I still LOVED aviation, but for the sheer love of aeroplanes and flying and NOT as a job. As a job, I LOATHED it - no seat of the pants flying, no "fun", and always away from the wife and kids. I did not even really know our eldest daughter until she was almost 3! I would sometimes see her at bed time, but more often than not I would be kissing her and my wife on the foreheads as they slept.

I had had enough. My heart was no longer in it. The only thing holding me in there as long as I lasted was the money, but money does not buy happiness. So, one day I walked into work and quit.

So, now, I basically am Mr. Mum. I LOVE it. I fly recreationally when I feel like it - I have a few friends with aircraft I can "borrow" for an hour or so. The money we saved during my flying purchased investment properties here in Australia and in Russia, the rent of which pays all our bills and our own rent (we still have not decided where we are going to settle down - here somewhere or back in Russia). It also put my wife through 3 university degrees, and she is finishing up her Masters and Honours in 2 simultaneously (she is a HARD worker!). Meanwhile, I have plodded along, doing part-time uni, getting a Undergrad in Microbiology and doing some part-time micro work at a local lab.

The midlife crisis hit me really hard, but in the end the decision was easy, as family means SO much to me - MUCH MUCH more than anything material. I was in a mental quandary for a couple months, and I did see a psychologist once (who told me to go back flying, so I gave up on her insightful information!).

Several things became readily apparent during the transition, the most significant being how much my wife and I are for each other. Sure, at times dropping a few payscales hurts and causes issues, but in the end, we have each other, and I could not wish for a less materialistic wife!

[louie_the_fly (Stew)]

Originally Posted by casstony http://www.iceinspace.com.au/vbiis/i...s/viewpost.gif
On the topic of depression, it's important to realize that it can arise from a simple imbalance of substances in the brain which one has very little control over, in which case pills can make an enormous difference.
Alternatively depression can arise from bad life circumstances in which case counselling is more appropriate.
Mental illness isn't much different from physical illness in that often there's part of the body that's broken or just not working right.

So true. The difference between say Depression or Anxiety, and a broken arm, is that a) everyone can see you have a broken arm, and b) your arm doesn't stay broken for long.

Tim, first up, it's not a wierd question. Just the fact that you're prepared to come on here and discuss it with (mostly) total strangers, at the risk of possibly being judged, is healthy because you have identified the problem. Most ignore it until it's too late. There's been some good advice here. None better than talk to your GP IMO. If it's suggested that you take medication but you aren't comfortable with that see another GP. Ask for a referral to see a counselor of the type that you think may help you sort things out. I could always talk to my wife and my dad about anything. If your wife is still the wonderful lady you married she will want to discuss all this with you in so she can help you move forward. She may even have the same feelings. You never know.

Here's a snippet of my life just so you know it's not just you. Just after I turned 47 (I'm now 50) we sold our house of 15 years and moved to what we believed was going to be a more "relaxed" semi retirement lifestyle. I'd arranged with my employer to reduce my hours to 4 days a week. My wife only worked 3 days a week as it was. we had acreage, dark skies above one of the highest hills in the area, abundant wildlife, & trees. Hell, we even had a 1 km stretch of a river running through our new place, complete with permanent water holes and Aboriginal rock carvings. We were going to build a stone observatory, and my wife was going to start an Eco-education business. We had it all. That's when the problems began. I started having little episodes, the cause of which I couldn't explain. Then it started to escalate. Hell, I even contemplated the biggie. Didn't plan anything, just thought about it. I got taken to hospital, and I was diagnosed with anxiety and mild depression, and prescribed a micro-dose of a drug. It seems this chemical imbalance runs in my family. That was September 2013. It does make me feel OK, but the downside is that I've put on a bit of weight that I can't seem to shift.

Then the doodoo really hit the fan a month later. Our world imploded when my wife was diagnosed with incurable colorectal cancer just after her 47th birthday. Bowel, Lungs, Liver. Eventually it spread to her brain and bones, and she passed away 5 weeks ago after putting up the bravest fight I've ever seen. I felt like I lost everything. After experiencing what she (we) went through during that 20 months I've now found ways to be at ease with my life to a great extent, although it's very lonely ATM. I immerse myself in my work, talk to the dog, and I don't stress about much. I intend to take it as it comes.

I haven't written this so people feel sorry for me. The moral of my story is this. Life is complex and a lot of the time we don't understand the why's and what for's. Sometimes there is no explanation. I think approaching 50 is a difficult time in some people's lives. Not old, but not young. There's a lot of uncertainty for our age group. Employment, health, finances, our children's future's, etc. Just for a moment think about how you would feel without some of the great things you have. It might help you put some answers to your questions. Whatever you decide to do I hope it all works out for you. Someone once said “Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.”

[PCH (Paul)]

Hey Stew,

what an amazing and thought provoking post mate.

I thought that Tim was very brave to post details of his personal predicament to us as has been pointed out. But your post takes the cake buddy. How much you've been through and how thoughtful and brave of you to share these most personal sentiments and experiences.

You said you weren't after sympathy. I respect that, but I'd like to offer it anyway, as I can't even begin to imagine what all that must have felt like culminating in the passing of your dearly beloved wife.

My heart goes out to you mate and all I can say is I think you're showing incredible strength of spirit in marching on like you are; a true stalwart.

I suspect both your posts (yours and Tim's) will inspire many here to reassess our own situations with renewed positivity and enthusiasm.

Thanks so much for sharing such personal stories guys, and for both of you I hope the very best of good fortune finds its way to your doorsteps from now on.

[toc (Tim)]

Wow, an amazing response - I just want to express my heart felt thanks to everyone

I have decided to see a physiologist, because it is not really getting any easier.

Part of me feels like this is a sign of defeat because I like to think of myself as having a strong dependable personality - I guess I am self aware enough to see that I have some problems to overcome

And to Stew - really meant a lot that you would share that story. I lost my mother just over a year ago to breast cancer. It is a very profound experience to watch a loved ones slow decline, and eventual loss. I guess this event has probably been the trigger for some of these emotions, even though at the time it didn't feel like it.

Onward and upward!

[pmrid (Peter)]

Good man. Good move. If it isn't already as clear as a bell, there are a lot of people on these fora who want to help and who will listen and give every support possible as you work through this. Really!!

Peter

[Wavytone]

Hi Tim,

Great to see you have spoken up, this alone should be a huge step for you.

Yes I have been through this. Exactly as you described:

I am questioning who I am, and what I am doing - who I am married to, my job (especially my job), you name it, I am questioning it.

I was terribly depressed. For about a year it seemed whatever decision I made it was wrong and mostly ricocheted to bite me afterwards. So I stopped and made no decisions about anything if I could possibly help it for 6 months, just paid bills, did basic shopping and buried myself in work. But finally I woke up one morning with a firm resolution to change everything: I had asked myself do I want to be living unhappily for the next 10, 20+ years with the same person and with the same job and the answer ringing in my head was a resounding NO!

I really did change the lot - in late 40's divorced, did all the things I have long wanted to do with no-one to say no to me. I also switched to a new career and am now very happily remarried with a fine young boy. All in all a very costly exercise, but happiness is everything.

[traveller (Bo)]

Originally Posted by toc

Wow, an amazing response - I just want to express my heart felt thanks to everyone

I have decided to see a physiologist, because it is not really getting any easier.

Part of me feels like this is a sign of defeat because I like to think of myself as having a strong dependable personality - I guess I am self aware enough to see that I have some problems to overcome

And to Stew - really meant a lot that you would share that story. I lost my mother just over a year ago to breast cancer. It is a very profound experience to watch a loved ones slow decline, and eventual loss. I guess this event has probably been the trigger for some of these emotions, even though at the time it didn't feel like it.

Onward and upward!

Good on you Tim,
I assume you are seeing a psychologist and not a physiologist?
Real strength lies in when you know your limits, so congrats on making the first move.
Best wishes
Bo

[toc (Tim)]

Originally Posted by traveller

Good on you Tim,
I assume you are seeing a psychologist and not a physiologist?
Real strength lies in when you know your limits, so congrats on making the first move.
Best wishes
Bo

Yes, psychologist

[Wavytone]

Tim make a bucket list and get out there and DO IT ! And to anyone who gets in the way, to quote General Patton "Lead me, follow me, or get out of my way."

Pretty much how I think these days. Life's too short to tolerate naysayers.

[Renato1 (Renato)]

Originally Posted by toc

Hello ice inspacers - long time no post What follows is a weird question I guess, but I know that there are a lot of people here in my age bracket - 40-60

The last year I have been experiencing a really profound feeling of uncertainly and unhappiness. It comes and goes. I am questioning who I am, and what I am doing - who I am married to, my job (especially my job), you name it, I am questioning it. Even my politics have started to move gradually to the right

Is it possible to go though life without these upheavals? My gut is telling me that only good can come from it, especially since I feel I have been plodding along for a few decades, but there is always that feeling that I might make a rash decision, and regret it later. That is life I guess. I am having a pretty rough time at work, and am thinking of trying something else but at this late stage in life I feel my options are pretty limited.

Feel free to ignore, but your thoughts might make me feel better at least (and yes I know I am a whinny little turd who has more than most of the the planets humans and I should be greatful!)

Yes, there are many things in life which are not as you would like them to be and they may indeed be frustrating, annoying and disappointing. These are healthy negative emotions - healthy in that you can still choose to do something about the issues, or choose to accept them. But if because of your thinking, they turn to anger, anxiety or depression and subsequent unhappiness, then those are unhealty negative emotions - as you are stuck, you can't do anything about them.

I had my rut years ago, and hooked onto reading Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy, I read several books on the subject, ingrained their message into my thinking, so that I changed a lot of internal "I should" and "I must" in my thinking to "I wish" or "I prefer", and wound up a lot less stressed and happier. In most cases, there is little reason to be unhappy, though one may not be as happy as one wishes.

As luck would have it, one of the best books on the subject ("Three Minute Therapy") is available free on the internet, by clicking the chapters along the left hand side of the site. Though I find it easier to read it in book form.
http://www.threeminutetherapy.com/
I think it one of the best books because it has lots of examples.
Regards,
Renato