Your daily dose of humor

[blindman]

Two sisters, one blond and one brunette,
inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from
repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in afar town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, 'It's just 99 cents a word..'

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blond. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bul

[Mliss (Mel)]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know to say one thing'.

'What do they say?' the priest asked.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.'

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence...

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, 'Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered!'

[bartman (Bart)]

What do you call a three legged donkey?

a Wonky.....

[Jen]

hehe

[Mliss (Mel)]

How do you wake up Lady GaGa?

Poker face

[Stardrifter_WA]

Two guys are out playing golf and are on the 7th hole, when one guy turns to the other and says "I am dying for a cigarette, but I forgot my lighter". The second golfer says "No worries, I have one here". He learns into his golf bag and pulls out a 12" BIC lighter. The first golfer exclaims "Wow, I have never seen a lighter like that before. Where did you get it?" The second golfer says "From my genie in my golf bag". The first golf says "Yeah, right." The second golfer says, "tap on the side of my bag".

The first golfer taps on the side of the bag and out pops a genie and says "Quick, make it snappy, you have one wish". The first golfer hesitates and mumbles and then says "I wish for a million bucks". Poof, the genie disappears.

The first golfer is looking around for his million bucks and then looks up to see a million ducks flying overhead. He says " What's going on here, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks. The other golfer turns to him and says "Oh, forgot to tell you, the genie is hard of hearing, how do you think I ended up with this 12" BIC'.

[barx1963 (Malcolm)]

Grandma takes her little granddaughter to visit Grandad in hospital. The little cherub runs ahead and bursts into Grandads room and says
"Quick Grandad, make a sound like a frog!"
Grandad says "What?"
Little girl replies "Quick Grandad you have to make a sound like a frog!"
Grandad asks "Why should I make a sound like a frog?"
"Cos' Grandma says as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disneyland!"

(This joke brought to you courtesy of Give an Old Joke a Home Week, please give generously.)

Malcolm

[GeoffW1 (Geoff)]

The doctor sees one of his patients, who is aged 81, out with a gorgeous young lady.

He goes over and says "Hello Mister Morris, lovely day for a walk with your grand-daughter there"

"No Doc", says Morris, "This is my new girlfriend. You told me to have a hot mama and be cheerful"

"MORRIS", says the Doc, "I said 'You have a heart murmur, be careful !' "