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Old 26-08-2009, 10:09 AM
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AstralTraveller (David)
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How to give your cat a pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little *******'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.
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Old 26-08-2009, 10:15 AM
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jjjnettie (Jeanette)
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I can soooo relate to that
here kitty kitty
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Old 26-08-2009, 10:22 AM
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[1ponders] (Paul)
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I am now crying.

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Old 26-08-2009, 10:51 AM
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You forgot to put on the leather jacket gloves and full face mask. Didn't you?

Bert
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Old 26-08-2009, 11:31 AM
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Quark (Trevor)
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Cracked right up, tears rolling down cheeks as I try and read this to my wife, absolute classic.

Thanks so much for brightening up my day.

Regards
Trevor
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Old 27-08-2009, 12:54 AM
Nightskystargaz (Thomas)
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My wife gives our cat a pill every night, she holds it's mouth shut and rid it throat, to make sure the pill goes down, then she give it treat.

Thanks,

Tom
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Old 27-08-2009, 04:32 AM
DeanoNZL (Adrian)
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Nice one David.
I love it when you go to the Vet, they make it look sooo easy, you try it at home, and it is as you described!
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Old 27-08-2009, 07:25 AM
gmbfilter (Geoff)
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..............fortunately the cat died after a couple of days.
The dog inherited its bed
And everything got back to normal

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Old 27-08-2009, 08:39 AM
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Ric
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Been there and done thata and I have the scars to prove it.

I can totally sympathise with you David.

I'm glad that I now know I'm not alone in this world and my spinning ball of fluff and razor blades is not a unique burden that I have to live with.

Cheers
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Old 27-08-2009, 09:51 AM
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renormalised (Carl)
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Smile

Best way to give a cat a pill???....show it a Stradivarius and smile

It'll get the message
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Old 27-08-2009, 11:31 AM
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AstralTraveller (David)
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Thanks for all the kind comments. I hate to disillusion anyone but this is not my original work. I had two cats when I was younger and so can relate to this problem. I have vivid memories of attempting to apply flea powder to one. The story we passed to me by email and so I can't acknowledge the author in the approved manner .
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Old 27-08-2009, 11:40 AM
dpastern (Dave Pastern)
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You bugger...you had me in tears @ work...that was AWESOME!!!!!!

Dave
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