Heaven Forbid

[UniPol]

My wife has a friend who sends her a seemingly inexhaustible supply of jokes, quips and the like, guaranteed to give you a laugh. Please forgive me if this has been posted before but here are some recent ones :


Bless the Australians and their sense of humour.
These were posted on an Australian tourism website, and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humor (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)
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Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown, and then just sit around watching them die.
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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
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Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles. Take lots of water.
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Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
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Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA)
A: Af-ri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aust-ra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ...
Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
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Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA)
A: Face south, and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
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Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ...
Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
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Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
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Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
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Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-ica, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets.
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Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
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Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
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Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? ( France)
A: Only at Christmas.
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Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

[LewisM]

Thanks Steve - had a good chuckle.

[billdan (Bill)]

Excellent, love em.

[AstralTraveller (David)]

While we are digging out the old favourites:
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Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.


P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.


P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.


P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.


P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.


P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.


P: #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
S: #2 Propeller seepage normal – #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage


P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.


P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re for


P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.


P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.


P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.


P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.


P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics


P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.


And the best one for last.


P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[astroron (Ron)]

Some good ones in both posts.
Cheers

[Wavytone]

Nice... I can say I was once asked by a tourist if kangaroos deliver mail

[Saturnine (Jeff)]

Thanks for the laughs .

[julianh72 (Julian)]

A friend of mine has two premium "Paddock Club" tickets for the 2017 Melbourne Formula 1 Grand Prix on 26 March, both with access to pit lane walks, main straight grandstand seating overlooking the pits, catering, etc. He paid a couple of thousand dollars for each, and didn't realise last year when he bought them that this was going to be on the same day as his wedding, and he's gutted at the clash of dates. If anyone is interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.

It's at Christ Church, Saint Kilda, at 3:00 pm. Her name is Ashley, she's 170 cm tall, about 55 kg ... she will be the one in the white dress.

[PCH (Paul)]

Originally Posted by julianh72

A friend of mine has two premium "Paddock Club" tickets for the 2017 Melbourne Formula 1 Grand Prix on 26 March, both with access to pit lane walks, main straight grandstand seating overlooking the pits, catering, etc. He paid a couple of thousand dollars for each, and didn't realise last year when he bought them that this was going to be on the same day as his wedding, and he's gutted at the clash of dates. If anyone is interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.

It's at Christ Church, Saint Kilda, at 3:00 pm. Her name is Ashley, she's 170 cm tall, about 55 kg ... she will be the one in the white dress.

Lol, I could tell that was coming, but no less funny all the same.

[pfitzgerald (Paul)]

Just read these out in class to my Yr12 Physics students who are about to head home with huge smiles on their faces - especially as they think about our friends from the good ol' USofA!

[jenchris (Jennifer)]

I laughed bigly too.
They are good jokes, almost the best ever. Nearly as good as American jokes which would be really great if we had told them..
Mr Trump
bigliest president ever.