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Christmas Inc. - North Pole Downsizing
Subject: Restructuring of CI-NP, "12 Days of Christmas" Subsidiary
To: All Staff
Fr: S.C
Dear staff member,
Following our loss of dominance in seasonal gift distribution business, it has become evident that streamlining our staff requirements is the only viable method to remain competetive while other revenue streams are brought on-line.
Following voluntary early retirements in the Transport division of Mssrs. Donner, Blitzen, Comet and Rudolph, we have been looking closely at some of our traditional subsidiary businesses and determined that the following action is warranted immediately in the Entertainment Division, "12 Days of Christmas" operating center:
Partridge to be retained, but pear tree to be sold as it has never realised its cash-crop potential and recent changes to Agroforestry Incentives make it uneconomical to maintain. To be replaced with suitable artificial variant requuiring less maintenance.
Two Turtle Doves are not cost effective. Also their flagrant violation of rules regarding office fraternisation can no longer be overlooked. The positions are terminated.
Three French Hens to remain as-is. The secondary revenue from egg production and value-added products has been a great asset. Their mooted substitution by Rhode Island Reds has been abandoned.
Four Calling Birds to be replaced by automated voice mail. Inquiries as to whom they were calling during business hours and why, are underway. Possible loss of benfits and awards may result.
Five Golden Rings to be retained but will be moved from operations to capex following the recent rise in spot prices.
Six Geese A-Laying has proved a dissappointment over the past three quarters. The current rate of production of one egg per-goose-per-day is an example of the declinie in productivity and is unsustainable, even in the short term. Positions terminated 24/12/09.
Seven Swans a-Swimming is a number for better times. Currently part of the advertising budget, all positions are under review. Announcement expected by 26/12/09. Retraining funds may be made available.
As we all know the Eight Maids a-Milking has been under heavy scrutiny from the Equal Opportunities Commission. While their productivity is not in question, indeed this department registered a 12% gain over this period last year, we are under pressure for a balanced male/female workforce, but it is considered a position with no upward mobility or career enhancement. These negatives only offset by the short, regular hours.
Feasibilty studies for mechanical milkers are underway and present staff may be re-trained to try; a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.
Nine Ladies Dancing. Due to the rise in health insurance premiums and increased ACTRA minimums for these positions, they are to phased out over the next two Christ-masses.
A plan to sub-contract "gentlemens' entertainers" was deemed innappropriate.
Ten Lords a-Leaping is, in management's opinion, feather-bedding. Along with the Eleven Pipers and Twelve Drummers, they will be significantly downsized into one all Leaping, all Piping, all Drumming, mobile entertainment unit and transferred from Research to Sales & Marketing.
They will perform at public events and hopefully help to raise our profile in the present distribution sector.
Along with the savings accrued due to corporate re-structuring, we expect to attain significant savings by drop-shipping our products well in advance to local distribution centres, thereby avoiding the serious expense of triple overtime for more than 2000 employees one night a year.
We hope that you will understand our need to rationalise our practises and we regret any personal distress these measures cause. Rest assured that should further cuts be necessary, neither the Easter Bunny franchise nor the Seven Dwarves syndicate are immune from scrutiny.
Again, please accept our best wishes for a happy holiday and a successful future.
SC
CEO
North Pole Enterprises
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