Cheer Up

[FlashDrive (Poppy)]

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is,

I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a Zipper.

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'' My mother-in-law has so many wrinkles, when she smiles she looks like a Venetian blind ''

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A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

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I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first left me and the second one didn't.

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Drinking beer doesn't make you fat, it makes you lean..... against bars,tables,chairs and poles

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I love deadlines, I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

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I like work; it fascinates me, I can sit and look at it for hours

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I never got along with my Dad. Kids used to come up to me and say ' My Dad can beat up your Dad ' ... I'd say ' Yeah? When.????

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" I was so ugly at birth,the Midwife took one look at me, turned around and slapped my father "

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People who say they sleep like a baby, usually don't have one.

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If you want to recapture you youth, cut off his allowance.

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[xelasnave]

Good on you Col.

One of the local Cow Cockies was speeding across the Tabulam bridge when he struck 2 hippies walking into town.
One hippy came thru the windscreen of the car and landed badly dazed on the back seat.
The other hippy was knocked off the bridge into the Clarence River.
The Cow Cocky explained the accident to the local copper. Neither man liked hippies.
Everything will be alright the copper told the driver.
I will charge the one on the back seat with breaking and entering and the one in the river with leaving the scene of an accident.

Alex

[leon]

God stuff Col, I have heard some of them before, still a good laugh though.

leon

[xelasnave]

Originally Posted by leon

God stuff Col, I have heard some of them before, still a good laugh though.

leon

Come on Leon you must be able to add one or two or are you like me...all my good ones can't be told because of folk demanding good taste.
Merry Xmas
Alex

[leon]

To be honest Alex, no i cant at the moment, and as you say probably some are not for publication. lol

Leon

[el_draco (Rom)]

Originally Posted by xelasnave

Good on you Col.

One of the local Cow Cockies was speeding across the Tabulam bridge when he struck 2 hippies walking into town.
One hippy came thru the windscreen of the car and landed badly dazed on the back seat.
The other hippy was knocked off the bridge into the Clarence River.
The Cow Cocky explained the accident to the local copper. Neither man liked hippies.
Everything will be alright the copper told the driver.
I will charge the one on the back seat with breaking and entering and the one in the river with leaving the scene of an accident.

Alex

Heard that one with an exceptionally politically incorrect variant Alex... and it was in the northern territory. You can figure the rest I am sure. Some good laughs there Col.

[xelasnave]

Originally Posted by el_draco

Heard that one with an exceptionally politically incorrect variant Alex... and it was in the northern territory. You can figure the rest I am sure. Some good laughs there Col.

Yes I changed my version.
Fortunately class hatred is entirely acceptable.

Alex

[DavidU (Dave)]

Originally Posted by xelasnave

Yes I changed my version.
Fortunately class hatred is entirely acceptable.

Alex

LOL

[Atmos (Colin)]

Originally Posted by xelasnave

Yes I changed my version.
Fortunately class hatred is entirely acceptable.

Alex

It's only politically acceptable if it is against the middle aged Caucasian male

[el_draco (Rom)]

Originally Posted by Atmos

It's only politically acceptable if it is against the middle aged Caucasian male

Right on brother! We're under siege from all sides.... Apparently, it's all OUR fault!

[xelasnave]

Thinking of my joke and class hatred which strangely no one sees but me, you could substitute any of the following...
Two bankers
Two union reps
Two dole bludgers
Two westies
Two greenies
Two pensioners
Two teenagers
Two poor people
Two rich people

And probably the saddest condemnation of our stupid society...two single mothers.
Class hatred watch how they manipulate with with this terrible tool.
Alex

[sharpiel]

Originally Posted by xelasnave

Thinking of my joke and class hatred which strangely no one sees but me, you could substitute any of the following...
Two bankers
Two union reps
Two dole bludgers
Two westies
Two greenies
Two pensioners
Two teenagers
Two poor people
Two rich people

And probably the saddest condemnation of our stupid society...two single mothers.
Class hatred watch how they manipulate with with this terrible tool.
Alex

Strange the way lawyers failed to make your list...

[el_draco (Rom)]

Originally Posted by sharpiel

Strange the way lawyers failed to make your list...

The other categories were human. The two terms are mutually exclusive.

[xelasnave]

Originally Posted by sharpiel

Strange the way lawyers failed to make your list...

Yes a terrible over site as was forgetting politicians and economists.

Still let's see if we can think of some good lawyer jokes?

We have all heard the following but I use it as a starter.

What do you call a group of 50 lawyers at the bottom of the harbour?
A good start.

This is not a joke but do you know which profession survived the horror of the Russian revolution?

Alex

[sharpiel]

Originally Posted by xelasnave

Yes a terrible over site as was forgetting politicians and economists.

Still let's see if we can think of some good lawyer jokes?

We have all heard the following but I use it as a starter.

What do you call a group of 50 lawyers at the bottom of the harbour?
A good start.

This is not a joke but do you know which profession survived the horror of the Russian revolution?

Alex

Well it could be Leninist agitators? Or Marxist revolutionaries...? Prostitutes..? Fishermen (hehe)?

Tell me Alex!!

[xelasnave]

Originally Posted by sharpiel

Well it could be Leninist agitators? Or Marxist revolutionaries...? Prostitutes..? Fishermen (hehe)?

Tell me Alex!!

Lawyers apparently always there to protect human rights, their human rights.
Alex

[el_draco (Rom)]

Originally Posted by xelasnave

Still let's see if we can think of some good lawyer jokes?

Q/ What makes a good Lawyer?
A/

[alocky (Andrew lockwood)]

Disclaimer: I would never laugh at these, and am repeating them only to record them as examples of the genre in response to a request in this thread.

Why have they started using lawyers instead of lab rats in research?
Answer 1. The researchers were becoming attached to the rats.
Answer 2. There are things the researchers could not get the rats to do.

And while we're about, I have a standing reward for a photograph of the reflection of a lawyer at work. Even in this day of smartphones, nobody has collected yet... nobody I know has ever seen one eat, either...

[xelasnave]

Originally Posted by el_draco

Q/ What makes a good Lawyer?
A/

I should clear this up.
I meant any good jokes about lawyers.

On a serious note I once would say ...You can tell if you have a good lawyer if he does not agree with you that you can't lose.

Beware of a lawyer who says this is a matter of principle.

Always ask your lawyer what will be the total cost if you win and what will be the total cost if you lose ...the actual amounts expressed in dollars.

Never accept "if you win you will be awarded costs" there is often a huge difference between the costs that the court may award and the bill you get from your lawyer.

Never have business dealings with anyone if you think you may have to go to court to enforce your rights ...avoid the deal if you feel you can not trust the other party.
Alex

[AstralTraveller (David)]

Originally Posted by xelasnave

This is not a joke but do you know which profession survived the horror of the Russian revolution?

Alex

Originally Posted by sharpiel

Well it could be Leninist agitators? Or Marxist revolutionaries...? Prostitutes..? Fishermen (hehe)?

Tell me Alex!!

Generally Marxists/Leninists didn't survive the revolution. Great numbers died fighting in the civil war (eg. no Kronstadt sailors survived) and the rest perished under Stalin. I believe that by the early 1930s there were no Old Bolsheviks left in Russia and in 1940 the last survivor of that generation, Trotsky, was assassinated in Mexico by the KGB.

Prostitutes survived but they had a rough time of it in some places. In April 1917 (ie 6 months before the October revolution) the sailors' soviet on the fortress island of Kronstadt declared themselves the sole authority on that island. Understanding that they were in a life and death struggle they enforced strict discipline. Gambling was banned, prostitutes were run off the island and any sailor caught intoxicated was sent to the front.

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Lawyers and journalists are two professions where you can joke that 'it's 95% of them that give the rest a bad name'. Some journalist do wonderful work (eg exposing the underpaying and ripping off of 7-11 workers and casual farm labour) but others are total scum who simply print the lies their masters want spread. Similarly with lawyers, some protect human rights while others protect criminals with money. In fact, probably only a few percent of them are scum and only a few are exemplary; the rest are pretty normal people who lie somewhere in between.