Coping with a loss when it isn't your's.

[BilliGoatsGruff (Billi)]

Firstly, I would like to apologise for posting something so morbid when you're all probably miserable enough about the fact that it's Monday.

I've spent a lot of time over the last two days debating with myself whether or not I should put this in the forums, but have finally decided that it is better for my peace of mind if I do.

Last week a person that I went to school with committed suicide. I didn't know him very well, but I did respect him quite highly. I felt like he treated everyone the same, regardless of where they came from. I certainly didn't think that he would ever be caught dealing with such dark demons in his life.

It's hard for me to word this, but is it ok for me to be sad for a loss that isn't my own? Why do I have the right to be sad when I had no connection with this person? Maybe if the circumstances had been different then I wouldn't feel like I do, but it's such a shock to the system that I don't know how to deal with these motions.

Also, I apologise if there are any relatives of the person on these forums, or anyone close to them.

[TheCrazedLog]

The word "compassion" comes from the Latin and it means "to suffer with". You are "suffering with" those people affected by this death.

There is nothing to feel ashamed about. I can easily empathize with others and would likewise get upset as you have. This is why I didn't join the ambo's. In a way you you being upset is a good thing: you are, by nature, the sort of person that other people want around them: someone who cares.

The right to be upset: I don't think you need a "right" to be upset. You care: you're going to be upset when things happen to those whom you love.

As for dealing with it, well, I've yet to experience that loss. Others older and wiser than myself will have to guide you there.

[xelasnave]

Hi Billi it is good that you care, and any death is a loss which we should have feelings about.
When it is someone you know it however seems so much more real.
I sadly can count 8 folk around here who have taken their life but the news always hits hard.
I always wonder how they felt to take such action.
Embrace the grieving and know they no longer suffer.

[AstralTraveller (David)]

Right to be sad? Of course.

How can you know someone who dies and not be sad? Even when elderly relatives, who had no quality of life, have finally had their suffering end I was still very sad. But when it's someone too young to die and who goes under such tragic circumstances any reasonable person would feel sad, very sad.

I'm very poor at coping with loss so I don't have much advice other than to not deny your feelings and confide in people close to you.

[Redshift13 (Rohan)]

Originally Posted by BilliGoatsGruff

I didn't know him very well, but I did respect him quite highly.....
Why do I have the right to be sad when I had no connection with this person?

The respect you had for this person is your connection with him.
If it makes you sad, just go with it - mourning is good for the soul.
And, as others have said, your sadness indicates indicates your capacity for compassion and caring.

[raymo]

It's marvellous that you care enough to be sad.
raymo

[rat156]

Hi Billi,

Of course, it's perfectly normal to feel sad when someone you know is lost, even if you didn't know them well, particularly in tragic circumstances.

You are not alone in feeling this way, many others experience the same feelings. I know that I do. I work with the military and over the past few years have lost some guys in the regiment that I work closely with. Both of these soldiers I knew only in passing, I had instructed them at various stages. Nevertheless, the manner of their deaths affected me. In both cases I travelled interstate to attend their funerals, I found that it helped me greatly. Attending the funerals also allowed me to grieve with their family and friends.

You may not feel comfortable attending the funeral, but if you think you can, I would say that it might help you.

Cheers
Stuart

[BilliGoatsGruff (Billi)]

Thank you all for your kind words The funeral was on Friday, but I did not find out until that afternoon. I don't think I would have attended it, as I'm generally not comfortable being surrounded by so much emotion.

Probably the hardest part for me to deal with is that it was so unexpected. It just proves that what we see and what is really happening are two different things. I am sad for his family, having to let go of someone so young. Maybe they suspected something was wrong? I guess we will never know.

It felt good getting it off my mind. It's funny how easy it is to talk to strangers through a computer screen, yet I find it difficult to talk to the people closest to me

I'll definitely sleep easier tonight, though.

[Ausrock (Chris)]

Billi,

Kudos to you for bringing your feelings into the open, there have been some extremely wise words in reply.

This really is a wonderful community we have here!!!