Your daily laugh

[TrevorW]

:rofl:

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year,
And every year Morris would say,
'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'
Esther always replied,
'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars,
And fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said,
'Esther, I'm 85 years old.
If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Esther replied,
'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said,
'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!
But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
But still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.
I'm impressed!'

Morris replied,
'Well, to tell you the truth,
I almost said something when Esther fell out,
But you know,
fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

[JimmyH155]

HAHAHA LOL:lol::lol::lol:

[that_guy]

:rofl::rofl:

[Darth Wader]

:rofl:very good!

[PCH]

Laughed my socks off !!!!

[Ric]

Good one Trevor.

Cheers

[Jabba]

haha nice!

[DavidU]

HAHAHA noice !

[Jen]

:lol::lol::lol: LMAO

[supernova1965]

Here is one my wife sent me I am crying not laughing:sad:

[supernova1965]

I hope this is not inappropriate if so please remove it but I thought it wasn't to bad to post here


A man boarded an aircraft at London Heathrow Airport 's
Terminal 5 for New York , and taking his seat as he settled
in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and
bingo - she took the seat right beside him.
'Hello', he blurted out, 'Business trip or
vacation?'



She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, 'Business.
I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the
United States .'



He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had
ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a
meeting for nymphomaniacs!



Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,
'What's your business role at this convention?'



'Lecturer,' she responded. 'I use my experience
to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'



'Really', he smiled, 'what myths are
those?'



'Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth is
that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in
fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely
to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French
men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of
Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential
lovers in all categories are the Irish.'



Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed.
'I'm sorry,' she said 'I really
shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even
know your name!'



'Tonto,' the man said. 'Tonto Papadopoulos, but
my friends call me Paddy.'

[TrevorW]

:rofl::rofl::rofl::thumbsup:

[PCH]

Excellent Warren - a scream :lol::lol::lol:

[AG Hybrid]

Epic! :lol:

[TheDecepticon]

Thats a great joke, Trev!! Laughed for a while!:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl :

[TheDecepticon]

'Tonto,' the man said. 'Tonto Papadopoulos, but
my friends call me Paddy.'


What a cracker!! Very funny.:lol::lol::rofl::rofl:

[Darth Wader]

Seriously LMAO! :lol::lol::lol::thumbsup:

[supernova1965]

I wonder could we make this thread sticky:thumbsup:

[TrevorW]

INTERESTING FACTS ABOUT SEX:
>>
At any given moment on this Earth
>>
FACT:
>>
79,000,000 people are engaged in sex – right now.
>>
FACT:

58,000,000 are kissing.
>>
>>
FACT:
>>
37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
>>
FACT:
>>
1 old timer is reading forum threads/emails.
>>
>>
You just hang in there, Sunshine

[supernova1965]

Here you go a joke on us Guys

A group of 40-year-old buddies argue over where to meet for dinner.

Finally, they decide to go to the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitresses there wear low cut blouses and short skirts.

10 years later, that same group of now 50-year-old buddies argue over where to meet for dinner.

Finally, they decide to go to the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the food is very good and the wine list is superb.

10 years later, that same group of now 60-year-old buddies argue over where to meet for dinner.

Finally, they decide to go to the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, that same group of now 70-year-old buddies argue over where to meet for dinner.

Finally, they decide to go to the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant has free parking and is wheel chair accessible.

10 years later, that same group of now 80-year-old buddies argue over where to meet for dinner.

Finally, they decide to go to the Gausthof zum Lowen because they had never been there before.:rofl:

[TrevorW]

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

[supernova1965]

Hope noone finds this offensive




The Black Bra (as told by a woman)



I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been
Married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided
To amaze our men by greeting them at the door
Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.
We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend :
The other night when my boyfriend came over he
Found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all nightlong.


The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was
Wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and
Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.


Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,



"What's for dinner,Batman?"

[DavidU]

HAHAHAHAHA, my laptop is covered in a cup of tea now:rofl:

[supernova1965]

I won't pay to fix it :rofl::P

[Jen]

:lol::lol::lol:

What do you get when you mix PMS and a GPS?

A crazy woman that will find you :rofl::rofl:

[danielsun]

:rofl::rofl::rofl:Onya Jen!:rofl:

[kinetic]

Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got there,
tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look
Towards sky, what you see? '
'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it
tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to
be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the
Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically,
it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'
'You dumber than buffalo sh-t.
It means someone stole the tent.'

[Jen]

Hehe LOL Steve :rofl::rofl::rofl:

[leon]

That is a good one Steve, :lol: I have heard it before. ;)

Leon :thumbsup:

[M54]

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

[space oddity]

Heard this joke with Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson.Still a great joke. Like all jokes, it is better when told- can emphasise the "fool" and have fun with the voices - thumb the nose up at the politically correct.
And now I feel compelled to share a favourite (by my standards clean-not saying much) joke.
2 mates are driving in the country. They stop off to fill up on petrol. One guy says "could ya fill' er up while I head off to the little boy's room."
The other guy fills the car, wipes the windsceens, checks oil, water tyres-the lot and is still waiting and waiting.After 40 minutes, he is totally bored, heads off to the bathroom to drag his mate out.He bangs on the door."Hey, whats the story, you've been there for ages." "Help me, help me please.Every time I get up to get out , something jumps up and grabs me by the testicles. Help me , help me please."
His mate opens the door. "Fool, you've sat on the mop bucket."

I vote for a joke thread.Jokes make me starry eyed.

[avandonk]

What did the zero say to the eight?

Nice belt.



Bert

[that_guy]

why is 6 afraid of 7?

because 7 8 9!!!!

[danielsun]

Two cannibals are eating a clown , One says to the other "Hey, does this taste funny to you?"

[supernova1965]

The Australian Medical Association has weighed in on the new Rudd health care proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feelingabout it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while theRadiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologistswere pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the BUMS in Canberra.:rofl::rofl:

[TrevorW]

Cough Warren :rofl::rofl::rofl:

[big_dav_2001]

lmao!!!......hehehehe

[supernova1965]

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb..
(Now that's more like it !)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig..)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length.. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain..
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

[bartman]

Why did the blond have a sore belly button?
Her boyfriend was blond....

What do you call a three legged donkey?
A Wonkey.....

[bloodhound31]

A man was found dead this morning, apparently having drowned in his sultana bran....

Sources say he was possibly pulled under by a strong currant.

[bartman]

HEHEHE:rofl:

[danielsun]

Some amazing facts there Warren!

Did you watch the news about the charcoal factory catching fire and burning causing up to 1 million dollars worth of stock!!

[supernova1965]

No I missed that one:eyepop:

[Analog6]

And he was probably glad to be shot of the miserly you know who!

Oink to the 'facts' list

SOme of you may have already seen this, but it always gives me a good LOL. One for the photographers....

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jacobs kissed his wife and said 'I'm off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon.'

Wouldn't you know it, a door-to-door baby photographer came by half an hour later, hoping to make a sale. Mrs. Jacobs answered the door. 'Good morning, ma'am. You don't know me, but I've come to...' 'Oh yes, I know why you're here. Harry told me you'd be coming soon.' 'He did? But I...' 'Come right in! No use wasting time .' 'Very well, then.'

The photographer took out his briefcase and sat down. 'As you may already know, I've made a specialty of babies.' 'Good, I'm glad,' said Mrs. Jacobs. 'That's just what Harry and I were looking for.'

'I usually like to try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed,' said the photographer. 'The living room floor is fun too...you can really spread out.' 'Bathtub? Living room floor? No wonder it never worked for Harry and me.' 'Well, ma'am, none of us can guarantee a perfect one every time, but if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I think you'll be quite pleased with the results.'

'I certainly hope we can get this over with quickly,' Mrs. Jacobs gasped nervously. 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man must take his time. I'd like to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.' 'Don't I know!' said Mrs. Jacobs.

The photographer pulled out a portfolio of his pictures. 'This one was done on top of a bus in downtown London,' he said, showing Mrs. Jacobs the picture. 'Oh my God!' exclaimed Mrs. Jacobs, tugging on her handkerchief.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider the fact that their mother was so difficult to work with.' He showed Mrs. Jacobs another picture. 'She was difficult?' questioned Mrs. Jacobs. 'Extremely,' said the photographer. 'I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around, four and five deep, just to get a good look.' 'Four and five deep!' Mrs. Jacobs was amazed. 'Yes,' said the photographer. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then, it started getting dark and I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels started nibbling on my equipment. I just packed it all in.'

Mrs. Jacobs leaned forward. 'You mean the squirrels actually chewed on your, um...equipment?' 'Yes, ma'am. Thank God, no real damage was done.

Well, we'll get to work as soon as I set up my tripod.'

'Tripod? ' Mrs. Jacobs looked extremely worried now.

'Of course. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much to big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Ma'am...ma'am...good God, she's fainted!'

[TrevorW]

Oldy but a goodie !!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QRO626ImQek

[Jen]

:lol::lol::lol: heheehe

[danielsun]

:rofl::rofl: I think that training is for real!!:lol:

[supernova1965]

Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs.

The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine

Early each morning.


As always, Snow White stayed home doing her

Domestic chores.



As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their

Lunch and carry it to the mine.



One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw

That there had been a terrible
Cave-in.


Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White
Began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had
Somehow survived.


'Hello...Hello!' she shouted. 'Can anyone hear me?

Hello!'



For a long while, there was no answer. Losing
Hope, Snow White again shouted, 'Hello! Is
Anyone down there?'




Just as she was about to give up all hope, she

Heard a faint voice from deep within the mine,

Singing;

"NSW will win the State of Origin"

Snow White fell to her knees and prayed, 'Oh,

Thank you, God! At least Dopey is still alive.

[supernova1965]

i was having trouble with my computer. So I called Jack, the 11-year-old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.



Jack clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?' He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down:
ID10T I used to like Jack, the little *******.

[TrevorW]

Must remember that one

[AdrianF]

Liked it.
Will have to remember that one next time my work partner asks me to fix his pc at work.
I am emplyed as an engineering teacher but do almost as much work in IT
Adrian

[Jen]

:lol::lol::lol:

[mithrandir]

I like PEBCAK

Problem Exists Between Chair And Keyboard

[supernova1965]

Hi Jen you look like superwomen there all you need is a cape looking good keep it up

[Jen]

:thumbsup: Thanks Warren, yeah superwoman lost her cape chasing after batman hehe ;)

[Liz]

:lol::lol: ..... Great jokes Warren !!


Oh, did you catch Batman Jen, I would like to get his number. ;)

[Jen]

:lol::lol: nah sorry Liz he only has eyes for Catwoman :doh:

[TrevorW]

A blind man walks into a bank

Why didn't someone warn him

Two Irishmen talking about dogs

one says to the other "would you like a Labrador, Paddy"

the other replies

"no thanks Mick, they make you go blind"

[TrevorW]

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied a ship sinking.
"Follow me, son," the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to
the ship. "First we swim around the ship a few times with just the tip of our
fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around the ship a
few times with all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat
everybody when they are in the water." And they did. When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad,
why didn't we just eat them? Why did we have too swim around and
around beforehand?" His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without
the crap inside!"

[RickS]

Siamese Twins In A Bar

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, England !" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to England ?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

[supernova1965]

Why I Was Fired


For theAnnual Company Picnic, management had decided that because of liability issues, we could have alcohol, but only one drink per person...



I was fired for ordering the cups.

[Ric]

You should have been promoted for lateral thinking Warren.:lol:

[DiamondDust]

:lol:

[Spanrz]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g9f-6jygRJk

This made me laugh very hard! Still in Awe of it.

[taminga16]

This was lifted from one of my car club magazines.
Enjoy. Greg.

A woman was leaving a coffee shop with her take-away morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession leaving the nearby church. A long black hearse was followed by a second hearse about 50 feet behind.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pitbull terrier on a leash. Behind her were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the grieving widow walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my cheating husband."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

"His mistress. She tried to help my husband, then the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"Can I borrow your dog?"

The grieving widow replied, "Sure … but you’ll have to get in line."

[Jen]

:lol::lol:

[taminga16]

Hi Jen,
I am glad that you enjoyed the joke , hope al is well.
Greg.

[taminga16]

Here is another that caught my fancy.



'Mr. XXXX, I have reviewed your case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week.'
'That's very fair, your Honour,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few dollars myself.'

Greg.

[supernova1965]

Daddy,how was I born?

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born ?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button , nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:


'You got Male!

[Jen]

:lol::lol::lol: lol Warren :thumbsup:

[DavidU]

:D:rofl:Warren Hahahaha

[blindman]

The Power of a Badge.....





DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.


The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "


The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.


A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......




With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....


"Your badge, your badge. Show him your BADGE !"

[TrevorW]

Good one Nev

[Ric]

LOL, that's a beauty Nev.

[Jen]

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the
airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,
'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed
it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you
like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about
nuclear power?' and he smiles.

OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow,
and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a
deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a
flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried
grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's
intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have
no idea....'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel
qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know
s*h*t?


:rofl::rofl::rofl:

[supernova1965]

Nice on Jen :rofl:

[michaellxv]

Excellent. :rofl::rofl::rofl:
I hope you don't mind if I pinch that one and pass it on.

[Jen]

:thumbsup::thumbsup: go for it :thumbsup:

[Kevnool]

Legend status Jen.
Great one.
Cheers Kev.

[astroron]

I am still chuckling Jen:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::rofl:: rofl::rofl:
Where do you get them:question:

[lacad01]

:rofl:Nice one Jen :lol:

[Ric]

That's a beauty Jen LOL

Cheers

[AstralTraveller]

Old upholsteres never die ... they just keep on recovering!

A guy walks into a bar with a black eye. His friend asks how he got it. Well! He says, you know I go to Mass at the pro-Cathedral every Sunday. Last Sunday I sat behind Mrs Murphy. Being a lovely sunny day, she was wearing a lovely floral print dress. As I was admiring how the dress fit her womanly figure I noticed that when she knelt down for the consecration the dress was caught in the crease of her bottom. Knowing how uncomfortable that looked I bent over the seat and tugged the hem of the dress to release it from the crack and 'POW' Hence the black eye. The following week he meets up with his friend in the bar. The black eye has turned yellow and starting to fade but the other eye is black and blue. His friend asks how it happened. Well! Says he, you know every Sunday, Mass, pro-Cathedral... I happened to sit behind Mrs Murphy again, lovely floral dress. At the consecration I noticed when she knelt down the dress was caught up the crack again but before you could say 'pray for us ...' the guy beside me bent over and tugged in the hem of her dress to release it. Now I know that Mrs Murphy doesn't like that so I was pushing it back into the crack...

A guy staggers into a bar and eventually seats himself on a barstool. Holding on for balance, he slurs, "Hey bartender, gimmee a beer." The bartender looks him in the eye and says, I think you've had enough. Go home and sleep it off. The guy gets up and staggers out without an argument. About 20 minutes later, he's back, this time at the side entrance, staggering his way back to the bar. Getting his bearings, he slurs a request for a beer. The bartender, a little annoyed, reminds the drunk that he needed to go home and sleep it off. Again, no argument as he staggers out. About 20 minutes later, the bartender hears a terrible racket in the kitchen. Soon, the same drunk winds his way to the service station at the back of the bar and again asks for a beer. By this time, the bartender's patience is gone. He threatens to call the police if the man doesn't immediately leave his establishment and go home and sleep it off. Again, without argument, the drunk promises to leave, but wants to ask just one question of the bartender before he leaves. "How many bars do you work in, anyhow???


A giraffe walks into a bar and says: "The highballs are on me!"

[Kevnool]

A neutron go's into a pub and asks for a drink.
He asks the barman, How much?
For you son no charge.

Cheers Kev.

[Jen]

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,
HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
ENERGEX WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE,

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO

FINE, SHE SAYS
THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK

I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS
HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
BUNNINGS WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS.............................. ....

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED

JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID,
SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

SHE REPLIED,
HELLOOOOO..
DO YOU SEE SARA LEE WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?

I DON'T THINK SO!

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

[that_guy]

why does the moon orbit the earth?!

A: To get to the other side!!!
:lol: :rofl:

[TrevorW]

Nice one Jen

[Ric]

Good one Jen. :thumbsup: :lol: :lol:

[TrevorW]

At 85 years of age, Wally married Anne, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected ‘knock’ on the door.
Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one.

All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it’s Wally.
Again he is ready for more ‘action.’

Somewhat surprised, Anne consents for more coupling.

When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it….. Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more ‘action.’

And, once again they enjoy each other.

But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, ‘I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally.’
Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Anne and says: …….’You mean I've been here already?’

[kinetic]

Emptying eighteen bottles of whiskey

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and pured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the thrid bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twent-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under tha affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

-- Author unknown

[supernova1965]

SEX AFTER DEATH

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.

Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact:

"Marion... Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.

I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.

Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens).

Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.

Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"

"No... I'm a rabbit in Dubbo!!!!!

[Jen]

:rofl::rofl: LMAO

[cfranks]

An Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a Bar. The Barman says "What's this, some kind of joke?"

[Kevnool]

Why was Hans Solo crying while he was eating his steak ?

Because it was Chewy.

Cheers Kev.

[Kevnool]

Thats funny.

[Roobi]

heres a cute one my nephew loves:
how do you fit 100 pikachus onto a bus?




you pokemon.

:D

[Kevnool]

My son can relate to that,
It made him laugh.

Cheers Kev.

[michaellxv]

:lol: made my kids laugh.

[Jen]

MALE V FEMALE AT THE ATM
A new sign in the Bank reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are
requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1... Drive up to the ATM.
2. LOWER your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Raise window.
7. Drive off.
************************* ******
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
(Unfortunately, most of this is the Truth.!!)
1. Drive up to ATM machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN .
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to ATM machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card
holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and drive off.
25. Redial person on mobile phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 kilometres.
27. Release Hand Brake.

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

[supernova1965]

Nice one Jen well worth the length:rofl::thumbsup:

[astroron]

LMAO:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

[danielsun]

Jen.:rofl::rofl:

[astroron]

I hope this has not been posted before:question:




A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course,
the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of
the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go
up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive
is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm
voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was
all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side
near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see,
I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand
years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll
give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one
for my self.'

Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted
out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do.
And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.





'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world
complete with servants,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be
safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'










'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a
woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your
wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both
now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're
right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what
about you, honey?'

You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband.I'd do the same for you!'


So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of
the afternoon enjoying each other.




The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop FUN, the genie rolled over and
looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your
husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly



'No Kidding,' he said.




'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'
:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

[Jen]

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

[Ric]

Nice one Ron :thumbsup: :lol:

[jjjnettie]

Lol

[blindman]

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This
will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated
changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil
finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

[Kevnool]

Education....

A man is stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he’s going.“I’m on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body.” The policeman asks, “Really? And who’s going to give a lecture at this time of night?

“My wife”

Cheers Kev.

[supernova1965]

The Ugly Frog

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.



He whispered, 'I'M SO LONELY, TOO. BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME.. YOU WON'T EVER BE SORRY.'


The older lady figured, what the heck! She hadn't found anythingelse.So, she bought the frog. She placed him in the car, on the front seat beside her.As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her 'KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY..'!





So! The older lady figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.





IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince





THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED THE OLDER LADY'S KISS.


SUDDENLY THE OLDER LADY FELT HERSELF TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS. NOW CAN YOU GUESS WHAT THE OLDER LADY TURNED INTO?

COME ON GUESS!



*

*

*

*






SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST Travelodge SHE COULD FIND!!!



She's older..... NOT BLOODY DEAD!!!!!


OLD LADIES ROCK

:D

[supernova1965]

An old farmer wrote to his son in prison.
" This year I won't be able to plant potatoes because I can't dig the ground, I know if you were here u would help me."
The son wrote: " Dad don't think of digging the ground because that's where I buried the guns "
Police reads the letter and the very next day, the whole ground was dug by police looking for guns but nothing was found.
The next day the son wrote again " Now plant your potatoes dad, it's the best I could do from here!

[jjjnettie]

LOL good one Warren.

[Jen]

hehehe :rofl::rofl:

[Kevnool]

A blonde is on board a small two-seater airplane when suddenly
the pilot dies.
Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio.
Mayday, mayday! My pilot just died!
Ground control receives her call for help and answers back
Don't worry, madam. I'll talk you down, just do as I say. First
I need you to give me your height and position.
I'm 5"2' and sitting in the right front seat.
Ground control says Repeat after me Our Father...who art in Heaven

[DavidU]

:lol::lol: