I got pulled over yesterday after stupidly answering my mobile. The copper came up to me and asked me if I had a reason for using a mobile whilst driving. I said, "Would you believe, My wife just called me to tell me what a wonderful day it was"; the copper replied, "Not any more". Didn't even a blink...
Cec, an elderly man from somewhere in Queensland, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the big shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
Cec opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
Cec said "No, but people are breaking into my shed and stealing from me."
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and officers will be along when available"
Cec said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 60, then phoned the police again.
He said "Hello, I just called you a minute ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both", and he hung up.
Within five minutes, a helicopter, a fire truck, 2 ambulances, four police cars and a special weapons team raced up to Cec's residence, and caught the thieves red-handed.
One of the policemen said to Cec, "I thought you said you'd shot them!"
Cec replied, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery. He had insisted that his own son, a renowned surgeon, should perform the operation. As he was about to go under anaesthetic, he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad , what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."
Ancient Bert finds a flyer in his porch one day. It proclaims " YOU CAN HAVE SEX AT 72!!!"
He thinks-that's great, I can nip over on the way to bingo, I'm only at number 80!!"
Ancient Bert finds a flyer in his porch one day. It proclaims " YOU CAN HAVE SEX AT 72!!!"
He thinks-that's great, I can nip over on the way to bingo, I'm only at number 80!!"
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
