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Hi Alex, Mike & All,
Just happened to pass by and saw this and thought I owe you all a sensible reply. Here is a reply anyway, I guess it's up to you as to whether it is sensible.
Yes I have been away for a while. No, it isn't your fault or the fault of the forum here in any way -- or any individual.
I haven't been well -- nothing super-serious or life-threatening. I've had pretty severe depression now for the last several months. This is the way it most obviously affects me (to the appearance of the outside world) -- for everyone's depression is different.
For me it's like trying to swim through treacle. Finding the motivation to do most things has been somewhere between difficult and extremely difficult. The most difficult thing for me to do in this state is interact with other people. Another thing is sleeping. It's not that I don't like you or feel nervous about speaking/writing/being around others etc -- I don't. I'm generally not a nervous type. It's that I just don't care. I just can't find the effort of will to be with other people -- even on-line. I have answered very little email for several months unless it is pressing. I even switched my mobile off for almost 3 months because I couldn't be bothered with it. Depression for me is debilitating, but I am no longer afraid of it. I don't enjoy it by any stretch of imagination, but it no longer of itself scares me.
As Alex will probably confirm, he an I have been sharing a class for the last few months at Swinburne Uni. As I was doing that course, I had to give it almost every resource I had at my (limited) disposal (and appear light and happy into the bargain) which left little or no emotional resources or "get-go" for anything else. Luckily we're almost through this unit, though the test we did the weekend before last was a doosy (as I'm sure Alex will attest) -- well at least 4-5 of the questions were doosies.
This isn't the first time for me, it is the third in the last twelve years. With this episode that started back in about December and became quite deep by February-March, I have been attempting a recovery without an anti-depressant. There are good reasons why I tried to do it that way, but I won't go into them here and now -- you'll just have to take it on trust. However, now six months down the track, I have decided it is taking too long so I am going to try a new (well for me) one and see how it goes. SSRI's and SNRI's usually work with me after about 6-8 weeks so I hope to feel a bit better then. I am feeling a bit better than a couple of weeks ago right now -- that's why I can write this. Four weeks ago, I couldn't be bothered so that's an improvement.
The funny thing for me I've noticed this time 'round is that it appears to have affected the left side of my brain more than the right -- well that's the way it feels for me anyway. I sometimes find it horrendously difficult to accomplish simple mechanical tasks, or solving a problem with logic or analysis. Normally it would take me about a minute to collimate my newtonian provided it wasn't too far out. The last time I observed, I blundered around for about 7-8 minutes before, in the end, I had to ask someone for help because I couldn't make sense of which knob had to be turned in what direction to collimate. It sounds wierd I know, but this is what it does to me. On the other hand, those things that require a degree of creativity or "flair", like for example coming up with a plan on how to introduce a topic for an article and then stitch it together in a way that I think might be entertaining for the reader seems much less hard than the mechanics of typing coherent sentences without editing it ten times before I'm nearly (but never completely) content. The hardest thing of all is getting yourself to the point of actually starting a task -- any task. Procrastination has become a high-art form.
For those that posted, thanks for taking the time to be concerned. I really appreciate it -- but I find it difficult most of the time to find the motivation to express it. No need to worry overly about me. I hate this thing, but it no longer scares me of itself and I think that is half the battle. Thanks all for your best wishes. It's good to know I was missed.
Best,
Les D
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