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As most Australian men have yet to dragged into the 19th century and seem thouroughly confused by the ethos of the modern world, here are my rules for the occasions you may cry and, or show sensitivity in public:
-Death of a loved one / friend (this includes pets!).
-Suicide of a loved one / friend (almost no-one sees this coming and its a killer!)
-Death of a cultural icon or formative figure in your life (this may include your year 12 French teacher who gave you one behind the porta-cabins, but only if her family is not present).
- 4 Films: 'Ring of bright water', 'Old Yeller', Babe and ET. No other. Not 'Beaches'. Not 'Terms of Endearment. And most assuredly NOT at 'Titanic'.
Getting emotional over animals/aliens is acceptable. Getting soppy over badly-written characters who take to long do die is not.
-Win / Loss of your team, but only in the final and only if they haven't won for 20 years or if they were robbed by poor officiating.
-Stepping on a jagged nail. For those of you that haven't done it - well it bloody HURTS!
-A broken nose. There's nothing you can do about it. It somehow affects your tear-ducts. If you DON't cry, there's something hideously wrong with you.
Under no circumstances may you cry at "Oprah". Particularly when she's sensitively and ernestly trying to rejuvenate some washed-up, has-been, crack addicted, singer-now-streetwalker, cum punching-bag, like Whitney-bloody-Houston the other day. I almost lost my lunch!
As a matter of fact, if you even think you might get a little lump in your throat at this sort of "second-chance, I've turned my life around and stopped beating the servants"-type bilge, you should just get a bottle of Whiskey and a revolver and go off and do the right thing.
There is some grey area regarding cars, motorbikes, job-loss, boats, jet-packs and "thing-you-have-spent-your-life-perfecting-but-a-giant-Chinese-corporation-beat-you-to-the-patent".
However, if in doubt, stay silent.
If you have lost your spouse/job/home/car/lover/telescope/life savings/furniture due to gambling, alchoholism, hookers, crack, lust for young boys or girls / a stretch inside or zoophilia - well you'll just have to man-up and reach for the kleenex in private!
I hope this will help some of you tread that fine line between sensitve yet fully manly bloke and 'big girl's-blouse'.
You're welcome!
PJH
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