[xelasnave]

Greetings all...just on my way back from the grave and it's getting a longer climb out each time so I really appreciate all you very kind people throwing me a rope.

I would like to particularly like to thank Glen and as we are good friends was privey to what I was going thru and between him and John ( Ossca) I was able to manage some extremely difficult days ..indeed hours.

Glen realised that for whatever reason I could not face the world, I could not even visit here which probably indicates just how difficult things had become for me..I somehow feel a duty to keep my friends informed as to what's going on and also try to demonstrate a positive attitude that others who are doing it tuff and tuffer than me who may be able to draw upon to ease their suffering...I am as honest as I can be and really am happy with my statement that I am the luckiest man on the planet...it may be a lie to the world but it is not a lie to me and in this area I am most happy to fool myself...but I am really as I just have this attitude that hardley ever leaves me..even with everything of late it is still there..but having you guys to help keep it working really helps.

The radiation had run two weeks and I was back in the van last Saturday and was stewing because when I looked at my schedule there was nothing about the coming Monday and Tuesday and when I saw the doctor before comeing home for the weekend he said " well that was your last treatment..I said No I have two more and he looked at me blankley and said nothing...on looking at my schedule on the Saturday I thought how I seem to have an intimidating style that has people rarely contradicting me and the schedule in my hand in black and white seemed to confirm that no treatment Monday orTuesday ..they told me last week such that I extended my time in the flat...well things mentally were all over the place now as he had told me that future radiation was out of the question and this lump is growing while I am trying to rationalise the situation ...in fact hours latter I could not talk so good and I could tell my windpipe was contracting...I really thought the end was near for the very first time..and I just felt bad confused and scared...So I went back in to my little flat near the radiation department Sunday morning so as to at least get close to emergency but planning to turn up at radiation Monday morning and ask why am I not having the extra two days days treatment.

I made it thru the night obviously and presented at the front counter who could not help me and sent me straight into radiology...but I had the feeling she did want to be the one to tell me..I get that sometimes..usually they greet you immediately but I sat for 15 minutes seemingly being ignored..I felt something was up..who is going to deal with me was no doubt being discussed in the corner room...I was getting pretty low by then but my favorite nurse came around the corner and said " You are early" and my spirits jumped up a couple of levels.."so you are expecting me?" I ventured.."yes but not until 4 pm"....instant joy....so I went thru my issues and she called the doctor and said we can do the radiation soon so just hang around..then my favorite doctor came to see me..she is the most wonderful person I have ever had the pleasure to be near...like she is a busy doctor but she has stopped to chat with me when just passing me in the waiting area 10 minutes even...so she makes me feel that she cares about me as person as well as a patient...she said I should take some steriods and the swelling will go down and really put me at ease...so I had my radiation went to the chemist filled my scripts and went from laying flat in the grave to peeking over the edge trying to get out...but I was damaged and I could tell...

I could not go thru making a report here and I think by then Glen had started this thread but I could not look for whatever reason....

So the idea was rest and not think and get it together.

I could not come here until I could be honest...I was somewhat crushed and barely managing and when I look at my neck it is easy to despair...I don't want to make folk feel sad so I could not come here.

Anyways that is all behind me as happily I awoke early and felt happier and able to face the world.

Seeing this thread did it..it really did and I can not thank you all enough..

.so the plan today is work my way back..nothing over the top.. so I started just by clearing the sink and a small tidy just there..got out in the dark filled the genny and started things running...made a real cup of tea rather than just using coke to keep the fluids going..small steps that covered a great distance...

And now step two explain what happened etc.

I am still going to rest as I think the radiation may be having effects that I can't clearly identify...I had some pain killers left over from the back situation which is now just a bad memory thank goodness..the scan shows nothing so I will go with that..who wouldnt...but the damage done by "who ever venture an unsupported opinion with out evidence guy " who irresponsibly told me it was probably cancer in my spine really took a lot out of me and for no reason..but fortunately I have a brain and even then I thought this guy does not have a clue..who gives an opinion like that without even a scan..but once planted that seed did not die quickly.

But days ago last week I couldn't sleep the neck was sore, my back was sore and my legs but all "normal" stuff that I just accept or ignore whichever comes first ..so I thought have a pain killer that will get you you sleep..it is an opiate so drowsy is part of its deal..it worked and did wonders..so I am takeing two a day and getting wonderful sleep...and actually walking much better ..it is really noticable...I told the doctor and he approves and wrote another script...

So all good.

Thanks everyone and sorry that I could not deal with this and report in but it was just beyond me ...and probably I will be quite for a while yet as the doctor said the radiation effects get worse before they get better...

I hope for those who are doing it tuff that things get better for you also..

Alex