Domestic Violence

[Benno85]

Ok, before I start my post, I'd like to outline the "framework" for which this post is intended (coming off the back of the thread on miscommunication :)). This is certainly not a thread promoting or condoning violence in any way, having been the victim of it twice in the last 6 weeks I now feel the need to just share some of it to help me come to terms with what I've been through. Mods, should you feel that this is not the right place, I wholeheartedly respect any decision made to lock or delete the thread :)

Righto, disclaimer aside, here I go.....


Without going into too much detail, in the last 6 weeks I have been the victim of two occassions of violence from a wife who is suffering some (as yet undiagnosed) form of mental condition. We have two beautiful children together and now I am torn between two feelings:

1. I never thought I would feel anything stronger than the love I have for my kids, but now I do - the fear and uncertainty I know feel towards my wife and the fact that I simply cannot put up with anymore, and;

2. Whilst I am now certain that I can not continue in the relationship, if things are this unstable while I am there doing the best I can, how can I be sure that things will get any better if I leave? I may not love her the same way anymore but I cannot lose the care I have for her knowing what her condition is doing to her, but how much can one person take?



To finish, I'm not really asking for sympathy or anything similar, I just felt comfortable enough sharing this most hurtful thing I have ever been through with you all, I haven't met any of you (yet :)) but I do feel comfortable in sharing it with like minded astro people.



Thank you very much,

Ben. :thumbsup:

[Starkler]

Ben is it possible for you to convince your wife to get some sort of medical attention? Mental illness isnt something for self diagnosis.

My brother went through a similar situation to what you described and after leaving her it was found that there was a medical explanation for her behaviour. Once that came out into the open, they were able to manage the situation together. Good luck!

[Benno85]

Cheers mate, she is already seeing someone about it all, however she seems to think that after attending one session that everything is fine. My concern is whether or not she will take real advantage of the help she has access to, past incidents have lead me to believe that she won't (she is one of those "tell the counsellor what they want to hear" kind of people).


I'm also quite young at only 24, and have been through a whole lot of hell in the last 5 years...I know I can bounce back though :)

[casstony]

Hi Ben,

It's good you feel you can reach out for support from the people in this forum.

The following link has some very good advice about domestic violence:

http://au.reachout.com/find/articles/domestic-violence

Some hotlines you can ring to get advice and support are:

Mensline 1300 78 99 78

Relationships Australia - 1300 364 277

The family GP could also be an invaluable resource and support. Your GP can link you in with supports for you and your children while also linking your wife into mental health support.

Hopefully these resources get you the support you need. No one should have to live with violence in the home.

[Roobi]

Hi there ben. I'm so sorry to hear of your trouble. Is there anyone close to your wife that she may listen to, a friend or someone she looks up to.
Maybe you could get them to talk to her.

[AstralTraveller]

If the councillor is any good they will spot her telling them what she thinks they want to hear. She sounds like she is in denial, which is par for the course. I wouldn't even see a councillor until I was a blubbering wreck. At least being in that state I was forced to admit I needed more than one session. By the time I recovered a bit I had accepted going to the councillor and continued to do so until he kicked me out. I don't know what you can say to convince her to continue with councilling. My only suggestion is that you or someone else close to her should see the councillor for advice about how to convince her.

I have also observed that different councillors have different approaches, not just in personallity but also in the type of threapy they use, and the patient needs to be matched to a suitable councillor. I was lucky in that the first councillor I saw suited me very well but your wife may not be so lucky.

You and others close to her need to understand that undergoing councilling is hard, challenging work. I used to see the councillor in the late afternoon and I did absolutely nothing for the rest of the night. I was exhausted and had a million things going around in my head. I needed time to process what I had just been through. If she does see a councillor it isn't just business as usual - cook the dinner, put the kids to bed - when she comes home. She will need some time to herself.

Lastly, don't be afraid to see someone yourself. You are also having a hard time.

[Benno85]

Thanks once again to everybody for your kind words and support.

She has been seeing a psychologist in Bowral (for those of you who are local :)) and he gave her details on site called BlackDog where she has done a mental health assessment. She has just texted me with the results for that and it has shown she is bi-polar (one of the conditions I thought she may have). Something like this can be treated and managed quite effectively so there is hope for her and us yet.

On the subject of being comfortable with counsellors/health professionals, she has been to a number of them over the years and has a sense for who she is comfortable, thankfully it's the gentleman she is seeing in Bowral who she feels very comfortable with.

At least now there is some direction as to what lies ahead, now I know what we are dealing with I can take steps to make the most of the treatment.

From the bottom of my heart, thanks again gang, this pocket of webspace known as Ice In Space holds far more than astronomical information :)

[Octane]

I feel for you, Ben. I hope things get back on track, especially for your kidlets. : )

H

[leon]

Ben, I don't know you, and have never met you so I'm guessing that there was a time that you were very much in love and cared for each other. ;)

If this had happened to you in the last six weeks, i expect that it may have happened earlier to these past times. :shrug:

You seem quick to walk away, :sadeyes: what happened to (in sickness and health) in your vows to each other.:)

Leon :thumbsup:

[PCH]

Ben,

I know you don't want sympathy, but I really feel for your predicament and I really hope you work it out. I honestly don't know how I would handle domestic violence against me. I've never handed it out, nor even thought about it as that's just not me. So to be on the receiving end of it would send my head spinning.

The advice you've been given so far seems excellent, and you seem to be taking the right steps. All the best pal, nd thanks for sharing your thoughts. Sometimes it can be something of a weight off your shoulders just by sharing a problem. I hope the advice givers have helped.

All the best,

[casstony]

I didn't get the impression that Ben was being quick to walk away. He's in a complex and delicate situation involving violence, a personal situation which we know little about. It's best to simply support Ben in his goal of finding the best solution.

[Omaroo]

This has been going on for many months fellas.

Ben - the offer still stands as it always did. If you feel that you need to have some time off then grab your scope and let's go.

[leon]

I do feel for him, and would be the first to help, if i could, and no, I have not been in this situation, but i feel that helping his wife to best of his ability comes first, she is obviously suffering as well.

Mental illness is a huge problem that is sometimes to hard to deal with, and it is easier to just walk away.

Sorry Ben, you posted the thread, and i expect you will get different reactions from different people.

I am not a non caring person, but we have to work very hard to work through difficult times, at times, if that makes sense.

Leon

[Benno85]

:)

Cheers mate, the vows would be the hardest thing to break I can tell ya :thumbsup:


The last six weeks has been the culmination of not just our time together but more a case of me being the whipping boy for her lifetime of problems. In light of her being diagnosed today with bipolar type 2, severe anxiety and severe internal depression (ie. depression basically caused by herself with a lack of outside influence) I am now more than committed to continuing my support of her, it's going to be a loooooong journey I know but it shall be worth it in the end :)

[Benno85]

Mate absolutley no offence or mailce felt here whatsoever :thumbsup:, believe me I have dealt with alot worse including death threats mate, takes a whooooooooooole lot to rev me up buddy so definitley no need for any sort of apology at all :D

Cheers,

Ben

[Benno85]

Yeah guys Chris has been of great assistance over the last few months simply by offering for me to join him for some viewing/astrophotography. Once things have stabilised I will most certainly take him up on those offer :)

[strongmanmike]

Very unhappy time for you Ben, I feel for you.

I do not know the specifics of the two incidents of violence that you refer to but in such cases one must consider the children in regard to safety and wellbeing too as of utmost importance, you will need to do something here too.

Contrary to popular belief, perpertrators of domestic violence are not all men, depending on which reaserch you look at it is about 50/50 male/female so don't think you are the only bloke out there going through this sort of thing and seek help.

Best of luck mate

Mike

[mozzie]

hi ben

i dont know what to say im sitting here with my wife and 2 beautiful young children and i have no way of or how you are feeling.it must be heart breaking to see things like this happen!! i just hope that you and the 2 beautiful children you have are all right and can seek some type of help and councilling towards this.mate all i can say is hang in there and keep the love up to your babies
all the best mozzie

[Benno85]

Thanks big fella, I wouldn't say that both times were major by violence standards (once was a few left hooks to my head which split my ear, and last night was a headbutt on my nose :)) but any violence is still violence.

Deep down I know that these outbursts are the result of her conditions so in that regard it's easier to stay strong for her. If she was normal and took pleasure in all of this then that would be a totally different scenario. :)

[Benno85]

Cheers Mozzie, a new positive direction has been revealed today now that we have a firm and professional diagnosis. Finally we can take a step in the right direction and get the things the way the deserve to be for us and our kidlets :)

Ben.

[mozzie]

thats great ben!!

hope everythings going to go well for yourself and family

[strongmanmike]

Far be it for me to judge but what you describe does not sound trival.

There are many things I could say on the topic of the unacceptable but widely ignored levels of violence experienced by men but I will refrain from doing so, so as not to divert the discussion away from your specific plight.

I hope your positive sounding eventuations today prove fruitful.

ATB

Mike

[DavidTrap]

Glad to hear you've gotten a firm diagnosis - just remember the therapy can take a while to "kick in", and then there's the insight required from the patient to stay on their therapy.

Hope things improve.

DT

[michaellxv]

Ben,

That's a very tough situation your are in. You have taken the most important step by reaching out for help. You don't need to face this alone, but with friends and family beside you you can work through it.

I wish you and your family all the best.

[Max Vondel]

I feel sorry for you Ben but how about this.........

She's just like another telescope.....
You've seen better and had worse......
Start saving for the next one.......
This time it WILL be perfect......
(you can't easily fix imperfections)
:)

[Jen]

Wow Ben hang in there buddy at least you have a diagnosis you all can stick together and fix this :thumbsup: I was in a violent relationship once but he was an alcoholic and refused to give it up so i had to walk away in the end as he didnt want to help himself 15 years later he is still the same and i will never go back.
Good luck mate tough times ahead still though.
Keep ya spirits high ;)

[ballaratdragons]

Ben, my hope for you is that your wife 'wants' the help.

Mine didn't. She never physically harmed any of us (me and 3 very little kids), she wrung us dry mentally for years!
But she physically harmed other people when she would vanish for months at a time.
She now lives under the care of Mental Disability Services.

I brought my kids up by myself for 10 years until I met the fantastic lady I have now who my kids are happy to have her as their mum for the last 9 years.
Unfortunately due my ex's actions (or you could say lack of a Mothers actions) one of my kids has disabilities caused by her ('attachment disorder' being just one of them).

My ex never wanted help and still doesn't. She is happy in her multiple personality/schitzo/violent life.

I really hope for you and your kids that your wife really does want help, and to put an end to the harm she is causing.

[Alchemy]

I hope it works out for you, maybe medication can help, I saw one relationship where meds was working, then apparently she went off them and it ended up with a friend being called in the middle of the night as she had a knife, the police ended up being called to resolve it. I wasn't there but know all the people involved.

As much as people love each other, violence is unacceptable, it's not just yourself- you have children, seek professional medical help and get professional advice for yourself.

It's such a delicate matter, but if you have had 5 years of hell it's also very serious.

All the best.

Clive.

[wavelandscott]

Hang in there and get the best professional help you can.

My youngest brother was eventually diagnosed with a Bi-polar disorder and after lots of counseling (for him and us) and trying several different medications (for him), we finally found the "right" combination to help him.

I can't describe how frightening it was in our house when he was "off"...for many years my family dealt with the situation in silence which in hindsight was a big mistake. It was especially hard on my parents who watched their wonderful son go from being wonderful to frighteningly violent (think Jack Nickelson "Here's Johnny!")...scary stuff.

Diagnosis is a step in the right direction and if medication is recommended don't be too heartbroken if it takes a while to find one that works.

Make sure that you are taking care of yourself and kids through all of this...and know that we are thinking of you here.

[Benno85]

Thanks very much guys and girls, you should all feel honoured to know that all of this discussion is helping me :)

I suppose at the moment the hardest part for me now is trying to learn how to talk and interact with her without setting her off. To be honest my tactic lately has been to be the nice calm person that I am, and when things start going sour I simply walk away to let things cool off. I wish I knew for sure if that is the right way to handle things but at the end of the day it's better than reciprocating an argument because I know where that will end up.

Mike, I totally hear you about the stigma attached to all of this when it's a man who is the victim. It took a heap of guts for me to go and make a statement to police about it but they have been supportive as well. Unspoken truth be known that if it was me who was violent things would be TOTALLY different :confused2:

Also tearing me apart is how best to show my support for her in seeking help, even though I am still not 100% sure that I am prepared to be there as her husband. 5 years of "all of this" is alot to try and move on from, I'm only 24 and have been to hell and back numerous times and had to show strength and discipline well beyond the status quo for my age range. I'm not whinging about what has happened (it has certainly toughened me up alot :)) I just have real doubts as to whether or not I see a future together.

To make it even more complicated, 11 years ago she was nearly killed in a car accident, cutting a long story short she received an out of court settlement which is held in trust for her well being and for the rest of her life (she won't be able to work due to her attitude more than anything). Being that I am one of the trustees, I am further torn between how to proceed.....I have some power as a trustee to basically force treatment etc.


Anyway, I had best get back to work, from the bottom of my heart once again thank you to all you guys and girls :thumbsup:

Ben

[leon]

Ben, sorry mate I probably spoke before i thought, that is just me, very impulsive, I had no idea of how serious your situation was, please accept my apology.

I know in reality I can't help you, but my thoughts are with you, I hope the light gets brighter at the end of the tunnel

Leon