Joke thread?

[Sausageman]

Can we have a Joke thread please, clean ones of course, Astronomy jokes preferred.

There are some funny guys out there,

There are more Mick's on this forum than a bus load of Irishmen.

Mike. (Mick) LOL

[Starkler]

Well umm considering we cant have rascism, sexism or any other 'ism' on the forum, it makes it hard to come up with suitable jokes. Its dangerous ground.

[Starkler]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down in their tent for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned. Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe Saturn is in Leo. Logically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

"Is that all?" Holmes asked. "Yes," Watson replied. "Why, am I missing something?" Holmes was quiet for a moment, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen the tent!"

[cahullian]

we tried this one before lol

[asimov]

I can think of some beauties! But their all 'ism'

[atalas]

Well I thought Geoff's joke was funny , but then again I am a nut !

Louie :rofl:

[asimov]

Yes, sorry Geoff! It was indeed funny, well done! Racking my brain trying to come up with one that has no 'ism' in it..

[asimov]

After eating his first meal on the moon, the astronaut reported "the meal was good, but the setting lacked atmosphere

[cahullian]

In the middle of a riot last night a soccer game broke out...

[elusiver]

when ever i tell anyone who isn't into astronomy about how i'm into astronomy i will always get a Uranus joke.

Always.

el :)

[elusiver]

ps.

why are giraffes necks so long?

cause their heads are so high in the air.


el :)

[mick pinner]

a polar bear walks into a bar and says to the barman l'll have a scotch and ah, um, ah, coke, the barman says why the big pause, and the polar bear says my dad had them and my mum had them.

[[1ponders]]

:lol::lol::lol: @ mick_p & el

[Mick]

Two atoms bump into each other. One says 'I think I lost an electron!' The other asks, 'Are you sure?', to which the first replies, 'I'm positive.'

[Mick]

A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, 'How much for a beer?' The bartender looks at him, and says 'For you, no charge.'

Sorry that's the last one :)

[Starkler]

Someone please save this thread :help2:

[mick pinner]

do l detect a bit of polar bearism?

[seeker372011]

:rofl:

[cahullian]

Did you hear about the alien with 5 legs?
His space suit fit him like a glove

[elusiver]

why did the kid fall off his bike.


someone threw a fridge at him.

el :)

[h0ughy]

now they're gett'in bad!!!!! :rofl:

[Sausageman]

A man walked into a bar.
OUCH !!!!
It was an Iron bar.

Mike

[CosMos]

A man was sitting down by a river in Africa watching a turtle sunbathing on the bank. The day was hot and calm and all was peaceful with the world. A small cloud of dust appeared off in the distance and as the man watched, an old but powerful elephant, ears twitching in the heat and tusks gleaming white in the bright afternoon sun, ambled in to view.

Following the approaching elephant, the man watched in awe as the giant beast walked up to the turtle lying on the bank, lowered his head and nudged the turtle awake with one alabaster tusk. The turtle slowly looked up, eyes half shut, rudely awakened. A discussion of sorts seemed to take place, though the man was too far away to hear with clarity. As quick as it started, dialogue ceased and the turtle put his head back down on the warm bank and closed his eyes.

Ears flapping wildly, the great grey beast seemed enraged. Drawing back one of its wrinkled and powerful front legs and with a bellow that shattered the easy calm of the countryside, the elephant kicked the unsuspecting turtle off the bank and into the river.

Astounded, the man's curiosity overcome any reservations he had of approaching the elephant. "Hey, I noticed that you kicked that poor old turtle right off the bank and into the river. Why?"

"Well", said the bemused elephant, "thirty years ago I was rolling around in the shallow waters of this river, minding my own business I will tell you, when I felt a sharp pain in my trunk. Looking down I saw this very turtle hanging off the end of it. Damn well hurt I can tell you. I have waited a long time for revenge."

The man scratched his head, "Well, what do you know, turtle recall."

[RAJAH235]

That's terrible!!! :P :D L.

[elusiver]

why did the koala fall out of the tree?


it was dead.

el :)

[elusiver]

who said we couldn't make a go of a non-discriminitory joke thread.

el :)


p.s. that statement in itself was the joke :P

[cahullian]

Roses are red,
viotets are blue.
I'm a Schizophrenic,
and so am I

[Striker]

lol...

You have to laugh at those short 1 liners.....love them all no matter how stupid they are...

[elusiver]

why did the elephant paint it's toe nails red.


so it could hide in the strawberry bush.


el :)

p.s there is a another variant of this that involves yellow paint and a lemon tree.

[Brendan]

How do you shoot a black elephant?
with a black elephant gun.

How do you shoot a pink elephant?
with a pink elephant gun.

How do you shoot a blue elephant?
wait for it...
you guessed it a blue elephant gun.

Now how do you shoot a white elephant?

no not a white elephant gun! :rofl:

tie a knot in its trunk wait till it turns blue then shoot it with a blue elephant gun :)

[FNQ_View]

If you're a Schizophrenic that makes four of us !!!

[FNQ_View]

A bumper sticker I saw years ago that still gives me a chuckle....

Eschew Obfuscation

[Starkler]

Now this has to be joke of the week, and its astronomy themed too !

http://www.news.com.au/story/0,10117,15821163-23109,00.html

[CosMos]

A man is before the judge, after getting a ticket. He says "Judge, I'm
an Astrophysisist and I can explain my running that red light. As I was
approaching the intersection, I was drawing nearer the stoplight, so the
light from it was blue-shifted, since it seemed to be approaching me.
That effectively changed how I perceived the color of the red light, and
it appeared green."

The professor smiled smugly and the Judge nodded. "I see. Based on that
explanation, I'm dropping the charge of running the red light."

The professor started collecting his notes and prepared to leave the
courtroom.

"BUT," the judge continued, "also based on your explanation, I'm fining
you $1 million dollars for speeding. In order to blue-shift the red
light to green, you HAD to be doing at least 10,000 times the speed limit."

[slice of heaven]

:rofl: Starkler
They've got to be joking.

[cahullian]

A man wakes up in hospital screaming" NURSE NURSE i CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS."
The nurse replies " I know we amputated your arms."

[Sausageman]

This is a true story.

A mate of mine has glasses so thick, someone asked him how far he could see without them.
He took them off, looked up at the Sun and said, " I can see that, is 93 million miles far enough".

Mike

[Sausageman]

How do you know an elephant's been in your fridge?

Footprints in the butter.

Mike

[Sausageman]

I saw a dozen eyepieces on a table.

The 12 Aplossl's.
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

I thought that one up all by myself :einstein:

Mike

[asimov]

I LIKE it Mike! Good one!

[Sausageman]

With good eyepieces, anything is plosslble.

LOL :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Mike

[Sausageman]

With bad ones it's Implosslble.

LOL

Mike

[ballaratdragons]

My all time favourite Bumper Sticker:

BE GOOD TO YOUR CHILDREN
they will choose your retirement home

[Sausageman]

I am not leaving it that long. :rofl:

Mike

[ballaratdragons]

Cheryl asked me to put this one in:


Give a Man a fish . . . you feed him for a day.

Teach him to fish and you get rid of him most weekends!

[Sausageman]

Thats a good one Ken.
Sounds like a great partner you have....
I got mine into family history, We never see each other to argue...

Mike

[Sausageman]

Then there was this Aplossl called Judas apochromatic....

Mike

[Wombat_In_Space]

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realised that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. :whistle:


The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.":mad:

[RAJAH235]

:doh: :rofl::2thumbs::poke::tasdevil::lol ::lol::lol: :D L.

[ballaratdragons]

This one was told to me by my old Pastor:

. . . and on the Seventh Day God rested.
On the Eighth Day he sold the lot to the Japanese.

[janoskiss]

How did this guy come to believe that he is an insect and his real home is the Moon?

Everyone kept referring to him as the "lunar tick".
:rolleyes:

[Daring Dave]

Why was the thirsty alien hanging around the computer?
He was looking for the space bar! :ashamed:

[cahullian]

Then fattest Aliens in the Universe come from the Hamburger Galaxy. Because the Intergalatic Macca's always ask "Would you like fries with that."

[Sausageman]

Keep em coming guy's (gal's are included in the guy thingy)

Mike

[slice of heaven]

Q: How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?



1) Ten! One to change the bulb, and nine to argue how their own bulb gives better colour.




2) None! Astronomers aren't afraid of the dark.



3)
See the FAQs.

"What sort of light bulb should I buy?"
"Should I start with a candle?"
"Where should I buy my light bulb?"
"Where NOT to buy a light bulb."
"What type of light bulb to avoid?"
"What will I be able to see with my bulb?"
"How do I deal with telescope-pollution?"
"Can I buy a bulb for a friend?"
"Can I use my bulb in the daytime?"

[ballaratdragons]

Go to the top of the class Slick!!! :rofl: :lol: Excellent.

Don't forget:
How big a light bulb can I get for my money? 3", 4"?

[slice of heaven]

I found it during a search for light pollution :shrug:

I like the 3rd answer. :lol:


BD
That depends on the quality of the light fitting and whether the bulb will be used for visual only, or have you thoughts of imaging with it? :lol:

[Starkler]

I really want to buy and use 69c wide beam downlight bulbs in a clipsal f5 socket. Do I really have to pay $4.00 or more for a wide angle downlight to get a good result?

[ballaratdragons]

Depends Geoff. Do you want it on a Swivel mount or fixed to the ceiling, Slide-along tracking or Free-Standing Table Mount?

[xstream]

An explanation of life.

On the first day God created the dog.
God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of 20 years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me 10 years and I'll give you back the other 10." So God agreed.

On the second day God created the monkey.
God said. "Entertain people, do monkey tricks and make them laugh. I'll give you a 20 year life span." The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for 20 years? Dog gave you back 10, so that's what I'll do. okay?" God agreed.

On the third day God created the cow.
God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of 60 years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for 60 years. Let me have 20 and I'll give back the other 40." And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man.
God said, "Eat sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you 20 years.
"Man said, "What? Only 20 years! Tell you what, I'll take my 20, and the 40 the cow gave back and the 10 the monkey gave back and the 10 the dog gave back, that makes 80, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."

So that is why the first 20 years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; for the next 40 we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next 10 we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren and for the last 10 years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

[Starkler]

:lol2: I think we have found a winner :)