Cheer Up

[FlashDrive]

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is,

I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a Zipper.

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'' My mother-in-law has so many wrinkles, when she smiles she looks like a Venetian blind ''

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A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

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I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first left me and the second one didn't.

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Drinking beer doesn't make you fat, it makes you lean..... against bars,tables,chairs and poles

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I love deadlines, I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

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I like work; it fascinates me, I can sit and look at it for hours

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I never got along with my Dad. Kids used to come up to me and say ' My Dad can beat up your Dad ' ... I'd say ' Yeah? When.????

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" I was so ugly at birth,the Midwife took one look at me, turned around and slapped my father "

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People who say they sleep like a baby, usually don't have one.

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If you want to recapture you youth, cut off his allowance.

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[xelasnave]

Good on you Col.

One of the local Cow Cockies was speeding across the Tabulam bridge when he struck 2 hippies walking into town.
One hippy came thru the windscreen of the car and landed badly dazed on the back seat.
The other hippy was knocked off the bridge into the Clarence River.
The Cow Cocky explained the accident to the local copper. Neither man liked hippies.
Everything will be alright the copper told the driver.
I will charge the one on the back seat with breaking and entering and the one in the river with leaving the scene of an accident.

Alex

[leon]

God stuff Col, I have heard some of them before, still a good laugh though.

leon

[xelasnave]

Come on Leon you must be able to add one or two or are you like me...all my good ones can't be told because of folk demanding good taste.
Merry Xmas
Alex

[leon]

To be honest Alex, no i cant at the moment, and as you say probably some are not for publication. lol

Leon

[el_draco]

Heard that one with an exceptionally politically incorrect variant Alex... and it was in the northern territory. You can figure the rest I am sure. Some good laughs there Col.

[xelasnave]

Yes I changed my version.
Fortunately class hatred is entirely acceptable.

Alex

[DavidU]

LOL :lol:

[Atmos]

It's only politically acceptable if it is against the middle aged Caucasian male :P

[el_draco]

Right on brother! We're under siege from all sides.... Apparently, it's all OUR fault! :shrug:

[xelasnave]

Thinking of my joke and class hatred which strangely no one sees but me, you could substitute any of the following...
Two bankers
Two union reps
Two dole bludgers
Two westies
Two greenies
Two pensioners
Two teenagers
Two poor people
Two rich people

And probably the saddest condemnation of our stupid society...two single mothers.
Class hatred watch how they manipulate with with this terrible tool.
Alex

[sharpiel]

Strange the way lawyers failed to make your list...:D:P

[el_draco]

The other categories were human. The two terms are mutually exclusive.;)

[xelasnave]

Yes a terrible over site as was forgetting politicians and economists.

Still let's see if we can think of some good lawyer jokes?

We have all heard the following but I use it as a starter.

What do you call a group of 50 lawyers at the bottom of the harbour?
A good start.:)

This is not a joke but do you know which profession survived the horror of the Russian revolution?

Alex

[sharpiel]

Well it could be Leninist agitators? Or Marxist revolutionaries...? Prostitutes..? Fishermen (hehe)?

Tell me Alex!!

[xelasnave]

Lawyers apparently always there to protect human rights, their human rights.
Alex

[el_draco]

Q/ What makes a good Lawyer?
A/ :rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

[alocky]

Disclaimer: I would never laugh at these, and am repeating them only to record them as examples of the genre in response to a request in this thread.

Why have they started using lawyers instead of lab rats in research?
Answer 1. The researchers were becoming attached to the rats.
Answer 2. There are things the researchers could not get the rats to do.

And while we're about, I have a standing reward for a photograph of the reflection of a lawyer at work. Even in this day of smartphones, nobody has collected yet... nobody I know has ever seen one eat, either...

[xelasnave]

I should clear this up.
I meant any good jokes about lawyers.

On a serious note I once would say ...You can tell if you have a good lawyer if he does not agree with you that you can't lose.

Beware of a lawyer who says this is a matter of principle.

Always ask your lawyer what will be the total cost if you win and what will be the total cost if you lose ...the actual amounts expressed in dollars.

Never accept "if you win you will be awarded costs" there is often a huge difference between the costs that the court may award and the bill you get from your lawyer.

Never have business dealings with anyone if you think you may have to go to court to enforce your rights ...avoid the deal if you feel you can not trust the other party.
Alex

[AstralTraveller]

Generally Marxists/Leninists didn't survive the revolution. Great numbers died fighting in the civil war (eg. no Kronstadt sailors survived) and the rest perished under Stalin. I believe that by the early 1930s there were no Old Bolsheviks left in Russia and in 1940 the last survivor of that generation, Trotsky, was assassinated in Mexico by the KGB.

Prostitutes survived but they had a rough time of it in some places. In April 1917 (ie 6 months before the October revolution) the sailors' soviet on the fortress island of Kronstadt declared themselves the sole authority on that island. Understanding that they were in a life and death struggle they enforced strict discipline. Gambling was banned, prostitutes were run off the island and any sailor caught intoxicated was sent to the front.

______________________

Lawyers and journalists are two professions where you can joke that 'it's 95% of them that give the rest a bad name'. Some journalist do wonderful work (eg exposing the underpaying and ripping off of 7-11 workers and casual farm labour) but others are total scum who simply print the lies their masters want spread. Similarly with lawyers, some protect human rights while others protect criminals with money. In fact, probably only a few percent of them are scum and only a few are exemplary; the rest are pretty normal people who lie somewhere in between.

[xelasnave]

As always generalisations are dangerous and usually can only reflect our limited experience.

I must say my experience happily with all humans has been good and most are decent.
I have met strange and unusual folk but they have often had mental health issues and still OK if you take into account their particular problem.
Alex

[sharpiel]

Lawyer etc jokes aside.

Alex you are the best example of a human being I have ever conversed with. I wish we were all like you.

[xelasnave]

Here is a photo of my new pet bull, he is called Mars.
I said elsewhere he was named after the chocolate bar but I have now been told its after the God Mars as one of his roles was to protect cattle so his destiny has already been laid out.
He is really cute.
Alex

[el_draco]

Jezus... I nearly dropped my bundle laughing :rofl:

[sharpiel]

He's beautiful Alex.

Mars is a wonderful name. In this single act I suspect you've done much more to protect cattle than the mythical God.

[xelasnave]

I did not name him Les.
So the problem is now Les there are now two bulls and in time one will have to go unless we can train them to be nice to each other.
Father and Son will no doubt fight.
Alex

[sharpiel]

Yes that is a problem. Why did you let them breed?

[xelasnave]

It was love at first sight.
Alex

[AstralTraveller]

That ain't love. :P

[sharpiel]

It is till afterwards.

[AndrewJ]

I always liked this one.

So whats the difference between a lawyer and a catfish????
One is a bottom dwelling scum sucker
and the other is a fish

Andrew

[xelasnave]

I always like this
Alex

[Nath2099]

What a load of tosh. White middle aged men need to stop sooking and become a part of the 21st century. Can't tell your racist, sexist jokes in public any more? Boo who.

[AstralTraveller]

I'm not so good at telling jokes, so I'll let these (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_PGPSjB4INU)blokes do it.

This (http://www.abc.net.au/news/2016-12-20/koala-brushing-video-shows-man-befriending-wild-animal/8134822?section=good-news)isn't a joke but it is one of the best feel good stories I've heard for a while.

[el_draco]

The voice of tolerance and harmony speaks...
Not all white middle aged men tell racist, sexist jokes. Politically correct twaddle and the marginalisation of men in general is the real issue here and its comments like yours that lead to the election of that idiot in yankland. :shrug:

[Nath2099]

Where exactly did I say that all middle aged whit men tell racist sexist jokes?

Marginalisation of men LOL. Give me a break.

Politically correct twaddle = being nice to people. We saw exactly what not being politically correct means when Trump got elected. All the racist, misogynist ********s felt they had free reign to abuse and harass anyone not white or in possession of a ******, under the guise of "free speech" or "anti-politically correct".

[xelasnave]

Settle down folks.
And remember what you say about someone else often says more about you than the person you talk about.
Let's all try and be funny and friendly.
Alex

[xelasnave]

I got this from a site that I cant remember so I can not give them credit ..sorry unremembered site...

"A Higgs boson goes into a church and the priest says, ‘We don’t allow Higgs bosons here.’ And the Higgs boson says, ‘But without me there is no mass.'”

Alex

[AstralTraveller]

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks 'Why the long face?'

A piece of string walks into a bar and the bartender says 'Sorry, we don't serve string'. He goes outside and things 'Right!'. So he ties himself in a bow and loosens little bits of fibre all along his length and partly untwists his ends. He goes in and orders a drink. Just as the bartender is handing him the drink he says 'Say, aren't you a piece of string?!'

'Nah, sorry mate, 'fraid not.'

[xelasnave]

A piece of string will go to any lengths for a drink it seems.
Alex

[AstralTraveller]

They just soak it up!

[xelasnave]

They get strung out if you don't keep it up to them.
Alex

[AstralTraveller]

I was told this yesterday. It's not really a joke but all us old fahrts in the tea room found it funny.

Q. How do you prevent today's teenagers from stealing your car?

A. Drive a manual.

[el_draco]

I can do that too ******s, ******
What would you like broken? :rolleyes:

[xelasnave]

On taking revenge a man is but equal to his enemy however to pass it over he is superior for it is a princes part to pardon.

Alex

[xelasnave]

What happened when the frogs car broke down?
It was toad away.
Alex

[Nath2099]

No need for threats of physical violence pal.

Or you may have been referring to the asterix's...? The website software puts those in automatically, it was not my doing. The two words I used in order were "Richard Craniums" and "female anatomy starting with v".

[xelasnave]

Stop fighting or Santa won't come.
Please gentlemen resist the urge to have the last word and address whatever it is in the real world that is getting you upset.
Could it be Xmas for example all the pressure, financial or the thought of spending a day with some folk that you don't like but will be forced to be polite to even when you would like to crush them.
You are both generalising and attacking a phantom, there is no point.
If you can not add to the thread with a joke, that is not some how having the last word please don't post.
Its Xmas season which if nothing else should have everyone being nice to each other.
Alex

[el_draco]

I'm not your "Pal", and you offered. Before dumping a tirade on people because they have a different view on life, learn your facts and don't dump tripe on the populace. Whatever your experience is, it is different from everyone else's.

[el_draco]

Io Saturnalia, Alex... which says many things in one ;)

[xelasnave]

Even after a trip to Wiki to brush up I have no idea.
So I hope its all good.
Not many sleeps to go.
Alex

[Shano592]

Folks, a couple of things:

1. This is a light-hearted thread. If you are going to go on the attack, I hear that the Whirlpool forums are waiting for your arrival.
2. This site is a positive site. Again, Whirlpool, if you want to be aggressive/negative.


In saying that:

Q. Why won't a shark eat a lawyer?
A. Professional courtesy.

[AussieTrooper]

I'd rather get a present from Saturn than Santa. I hear there are some pretty promising looking oil fields on Titan. ;)

[AussieTrooper]

Oh, right, lawyer jokes...

It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

[Boozlefoot]

Sorry, too late for Titan, Gina Reinhardt has already taken up the mineral rights there!

[FlashDrive]

A 99 year old Gentleman considers he doesn't have much time left, so he decides to go and have his last beer.

He walks ( with his stick ) into a Bar and waits to be served.

The female bar attender comes up and asks him what he would like to drink

He says ' I'll have a 1925 Glass of your best beer ' :D

She says to him ' but we don't have any 1925 beer ' ...but I can give you a delicious glass of 2016 larger ...... :P

No thank you, I want a 1925 best beer yah got in the house ... :cheers:

This goes on for about 10min and finally the Bar Maid goes to the Bar Manger and tells him about the elderly gentleman insisting on a 1925 beer.....:help:

Bar Manger tell her ' just pour him a beer and tell him it's a 1925 beer. ;)

She walks up to the old man and says .... well you wouldn't believe it ...I found some 1925 beer...

He replies ' why thank you .... here's your ' THREEPENCE ' :drink: :lol:

Col......

[el_draco]

Ahh... Saturnalia is a celebration of the Roman god Saturn, which used to happen around this time of year. It was a time of merriment and good will. Masters served their slaves and everyone had a jolly good time... (Of course this is a VERY simplified explanation and the dates changed a bit for various reasons). The celebration was usurped by the christians and became what it is today.

Most say Merry christmas and a happy new year these days. The Romans would say "Io Saturnalia" (and) "Dies Natalis Solis Invicti", the later meaning (roughly) "birthday of the unconquered sun" marking the Winter Solstice and the commencement of longer days...

Its a more appropriate celebration in my humble, not just for the astro implications and its basis in fact but also because its the original... not the counterfeit. ;)

Lots of lawyers were fed to the lions as well... how appropriate! :thumbsup:

[xelasnave]

Hi ROM
Thank you for such an informative post my problem was trying to see the many ways one may interpreted it.
It is funny no one says happy birthday Jesus given the whole thing which I can't and won't go into.

Those poor lions I have found most lawyers a bit hard to swallow.

I seem to recall Roman law featured in our law but I can not recall how it did...Fortunately I recall few things these days about previous lifetimes.
Alex

[AstralTraveller]

It's just occurred to me that there are some lawyers who have become quite popular and well-loved by some, but not for practicing law.

Peter Garrett is a lawyer, though he never took the wig. Instead he fronted on of Australia's better bands who sang about a lot of issues I care about. Pity he was a pretty inept polly.

John Cleese studied law at Cambridge and obtained a job in a law firm, which he never commenced as a small career in comedy got in the way. He was going to study science but realised he just didn't have that all-consuming drive that real scientists need.

[xelasnave]

I tried to get into pharmacy at Sydney Uni, did not make it so went back to school. After three days looked in the paper saw a job for an article clerk applied got it and forgot about becoming a chemist.
The best move I made was giving it in and going into real estate.
But I did learn a great deal did some very exciting things but backed away from a partnership to get out. My friends and family thought I was mad.
But real estate is such fun helping people find homes and investments.
Law is a great background for anything.
The real estate course had one year of building and I bet I know more about building (did once)/than a working builder.
But that was so handy.
Even today to get to sleep I design and cost a house down to the number of screws and paint..well to the point that I nod off.
I think of my career as real estate because I picked doing that when informed whereas applying for the job in the solicitors office was out of desperation to get out of doing another year at school.
And so glad to not ended up with a pharmacy which just seem to sell make up and shampoo.
I would do more real chemistry with my chemistry set I bet.
Alex