A quick laugh

[Exfso]

A man and a woman were out having a quiet, candle lit dinner at a corner table in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table, but the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and out of sight under the table cloth. Still, the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behaviour a bit risqué and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and tactfully said to the man, "Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."

The man looked up calmly and said, "No, she didn't. She just walked in.

[Hagar]

Ha Ha. at least you got one laugh Pete. I guess she kept the Merlot.

[Exfso]

Yeah I was beginning to think people had lost their sense of humour;)

[LewisM]

Good one! :thumbsup:

Here is a groaner:

How do you know which Dalek is the mathematician?

He "EXTRAPOLATES"

[Exfso]

Good one Lewis...:D

[xelasnave]

Both good ones.
We need more.
But I can't remember even some.

[xelasnave]

This could be a true story, but it is not.
About 20 klms out of Tabulam old Spanners vintage model T ran out of fuel.
Harry pulled over in his very hot v8 Ford and hooked up Spanners old car for a tow into town.
They quietly rolled along for about 10 klms when from behind came Duck in his very hot v8 holden.
He tore past and flattened the throttle.
Harry forgot he was towing Spanner and accelerated after Duck.
They raced over the one lane wood bridge over the Clarence River Tabulam at 100 klms/hr over the 40 klms limit.
Two Of the locals saw them and one said "Dam Duck and Harry speeding again"

"Yes" the other replied "but what about old Spanner blowing his horn and trying to pass on the one lane bridge".

[Exfso]

Good one Alex, yeah, keep em coming...

[taminga16]

A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery. Several carloads of family members followed a
black truck towing a Trailer Sailer with a coffin in the cockpit.
A passer-by remarked, "That guy must have been a very avid sailor."
"Oh, he still is," remarked one of the mourners "as a matter of fact, he's headed off to the
launching ramp as soon as we bury his wife."

Greg.

[Baddad]

Good one Peter,
Clever and funny

[csb]

Weird n gross! And :lol:

[blink138]

Female body builder goes to the doctors"Dr, I have been taking these steroids and seem to be growing a beard" Dr looks her up and down and replies "Anobolic?" Lady replies nervously "oh no, just the beard"
pat

[Exfso]

Gold, had to look at that one a couple of times before the penny dropped. Thanks Pat.:D

[Weird1]

A photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage…. The photon replies, “No, I’m travelling light.”:D

[UniPol]

From my teaching days and told to me by a colleague who recalled the following amusing tale :

Marking the roll one day of a not so bright class, the teacher called out the name of a particular boy and was consequently told by another student in the class that he wasn't at school today. The teacher immediately replied to the class that he was an habitual truant and would have to see about his many absences. The next day, same scenario, the teacher called the boy's name out however this time a student in the class called out " he's not here again today, he's a b_i_t_c_h of a truant isn't he sir " and apparently the class all nodded their heads in agreement.

* I had to type in b_i_t_c_h as it is a word that cannot be be used on the forums, but I'm sure everyone will get the meaning ;)

Can't wait to tell my wife Peter, she'll love your joke, priceless.

[PCH]

In the American deep south, a teacher says to young Johnny, "Johnny, give me a sentence that includes the word 'I' ".

Johnny thinks for a moment then proudly blurts out.... "I is..."

Teacher butts in and corrects him with.... "Johnny, it's not I is, it's I am!"

Johnny look surorised before continuing... "Ok miss, 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet' "

[graham.hobart]

you can't use the old stereotypes anymore, so I saw this joke recently..
" An Englishman, and Irishman, a Scottish man, A welsh Man ................................... ................................... ................................... .........................continue to name 20 other countries" went to a bar,


The Bouncer said -
" Sorry Lads, can't let you in without a Thai"!!

Graz

[Weird1]

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. … But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.:P

[Sconesbie]

A young lad handed in his school homework about his dog. The teacher said to him "that story is exactly like your brothers". The lad replied "it's because it's the same bloody dog".

Paddy placed a for sale ad about his pet python. A response come through "is it a big one". Paddy replied "oh yes, quite large". The reply was "how many feet"? Paddy replied "it's a snake, it doesn't have any".

[rrussell1962]

Heisenberg and Schrodinger get pulled over. The traffic police ask "do you know how fast you were going" Heisenberg says "no, but now I know where I am" The police ask "Is that a dead cat on the back seat?" Shrodinger says "It is now"

[FlashDrive]

:D :lol: .... and gross

[FlashDrive]

:thumbsup: .....:lol:

[blink138]

paddy phones up the local classifieds as he wants to sell his ladder, paddy says how much is it to advertise? the receptionist replies "its a pound fifty per inch" paddy reels in horror "sweet mary and joseph thats gunna cost me too much!" so the receptionist says "why how long is it?" paddy says "about twenty foot!"
ha ha i like that one!
pat

[FlashDrive]

:thumbsup: ...keep'em coming ....:lol:

[Weird1]

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus… “You mean a Martini?” The bartender asks. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”:thumbsup:

[Hagar]

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers: ...
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little *******.
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered Alsatian (German Shepherd).
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE ..
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
**** And the WINNER is... ****
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

[Exfso]

Absolute Gold Doug, especially the last one, a ripper:rofl:

[big_dav_2001]

A Japanese guy was trying to exchange Yen into Dollars, and asked the teller;

"Why it change? Yestoday one dorra buy fie Yen.. Today, one dorra onry buy flee"

The teller said: "can't do anything about it mate, fluctuations.."

Japanese guy; "well fluc ju too Aussie plick!!"... Lmao

[Hagar]

And the tee shirt for every married man.

[FlashDrive]

A daughter asks her aging Father .... Dad, do you still enjoy sex.
Why yes dear....sure do.

Daughter asks,...how many times a week do you have it...
Ah, bout 3 times replied her Dad....

Daughter says .... gee that must be tiring for you.
Dad says ... no ,not really, I'm lying down...:rofl:

Poppy.....:D

[el_draco]

Long time lecturer in front of a full auditorium says, "Tomorrows exam is worth 80% of the final grade. Turn up or have an excellent excuse".

The local "stud" sticks up his hand and sneers, "How about sexual exhaustion?"

Lecturer, looks up with a dead pan face and replies, "I guess you'll just have to write with the other hand".

My kind of lecturer:rofl:

[FlashDrive]

:rofl:

[FlashDrive]

Ted wants to have a go....:D

[Hagar]

Aliens do exist..........https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PfPdYYsEfAE

[vlazg]

Nuff said :D See atachment

[FlashDrive]

A 5year old daughter asks her father....daddy,why do ' Brides ' get married in ' White '

Daddy replies.... honey, all kitchen appliances come in ' White ' :rofl:

He'd be a ' brave ' man saying that...


Col......:D

[Hagar]

Twelve reasons why a man should have dogs instead of a wife:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. You can put a dog into the boot of your car and drive around for an hour and when you let it out it will still love you....Try doing that with your wife!

12. A dog will lay "silently" besides you while you are watching TV or while reading the paper!

[multiweb]

In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers. He’s my right-hand man, and he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."
Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that, Smithers, he can find all that in your file.
Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to fukc off."

[PCH]

Lol, so funny Marc :)