Mid life crisis - have you had one, and survived?

[toc]

Hello ice inspacers - long time no post :) What follows is a weird question I guess, but I know that there are a lot of people here in my age bracket - 40-60 :)

The last year I have been experiencing a really profound feeling of uncertainly and unhappiness. It comes and goes. I am questioning who I am, and what I am doing - who I am married to, my job (especially my job), you name it, I am questioning it. Even my politics have started to move gradually to the right :)

Is it possible to go though life without these upheavals? My gut is telling me that only good can come from it, especially since I feel I have been plodding along for a few decades, but there is always that feeling that I might make a rash decision, and regret it later. That is life I guess. I am having a pretty rough time at work, and am thinking of trying something else but at this late stage in life I feel my options are pretty limited.

Feel free to ignore, but your thoughts might make me feel better at least :lol: (and yes I know I am a whinny little turd who has more than most of the the planets humans and I should be greatful!)

[casstony]

I think I'm inoculated against mid-life crisis as a result of surviving the torment of a serious illness. Nothing like a life changing illness to help one focus on the good stuff in life and forget the bad stuff.

To help figure things out Tim, rather than getting sick I'd recommend doing something different with the family (eg.hike through the Himalayas or whatever gives you a thrill).

[Rob_K]

Don't worry Tim, I think it's very common, at least among friends of mine. And sorting things out in your mind is not a negative process, it's a good one.

Personally, I must have forgotten to have one and now they tell me it's too late! Suppose that comes of being utterly ambitionless with never more than short term plans, happily drifting wherever life takes me - as I continue to do. The only real change has been a shift further to the left, which probably balances out your shift to the right!!

Good luck with it!

Cheers -

[ZeroID]

Been there, done that. Got a divorce.
My life accelerated around that time, job became very challenging and rewarding but I became unsatisfied with my domestic situation. So big upheaval which I haven't regretted as it made me re-evaluate what I was doing and where I was going. Having a 'purpose' in life is the best cure.
Now as I appoach retirement my career options are done, redundancy and loss of money and any reason to bother from an employment angle has made me re-evaluate again.
So now, Astronomy, Steam punk, Photography and fast cars are my driving ( bad pun there ) motivators. I have a couple more years of contract to go, I'm already a pensioner ( broke) so I do my own thing. The mind numbing job I've got is just a means of funding my objectives.
They want anything more than my contract, they pay.

Life is full of changes, we all go through them some how. It's up to ourselves to get something from them. Find a passion to follow.

[multiweb]

Health and family first. Focus on the positives in your life and be happy with yourself and what you've got. Tomorrow is another day. Keep it simple and don't over think it. :thumbsup:

[gregbradley]

I think its common. As you get older the choices of doing something fresh seem more behind you or could. Perhaps things you wanted to do you didn't and feel now you can't. I think the feeling is largely false in that at any time you could do something that is interesting or create an opportunity that is fulfilling. Its not all behind you.

Having a purpose that you are enthusiastic about, doing things you enjoy, and working towards and keeping yourself on a create makes things like that fade away. The trick I think is to keep putting a future there for yourself, no matter how simple, that you find interesting and keeps you on a create.

That is one reason why this hobby is good. It puts something there for the future all the time. Planning this image or that and this setup or that.

On the other hand if there are some nasty people at your work or somewhere that are getting you down it would not be smart to stay connected to them. Being connected to one or more nasty people can make you feel down more than anything.

Greg.

[Visionary]

Your thoughts resonate with my own experience. In truth what I really miss is the unfettered joy that I experienced in my earlier life. I guess its part of the price we pay for wisdom, the cost of sound judgement. Sound judgement follows from the consideration of all things.
Whereas in our more youthful times we lived in the moment and basked under a single the bright star, whereas now we "paddle" under light of many a faded star. The light is still there, but it's from many sources now and the shadows and boarders are mixed and merged. In our youth those boarders were both stark and sharp.
A certainty that things are great and that things will get even better belongs to our youth. Consideration and balance belongs to our new status.... creaking, greying, receding Middle age.
On the upside, life is beautiful and it's there too be lived.

[alocky]

I can assure you that the vast majority of us go through it. You get to an age when you realise you are no longer the best looking and smartest person in the world, the Nobel prize committee is unlikely to call, the rock band you were in as a teenager maybe could have been the next Beatles, etc.
It's probably too late to become an astronaut, f1 driver, or whatever other dreams you had. Your partner has heard all your jokes and excuses. Your kids will no longer pull your finger. Let's face it, you are now the least endangered creature in the world; a middle aged male human.
As others have said, focus on the positives, be realistic about your desires but above all, cultivate your sense of humour.

My solution is to ride a crappy motorbike from Delhi into the Himalayas, and I'm leaving on Friday. Won't achieve anything but it will be a chance to re-boot. You need to sort this out yourself, in your own way, before it gets messy.
Most importantly, don't expect any good advice from the Internet.
Cheers,
Andrew

[Neutronstar]

Tim, I suffered something similar also from about age 42. Around the time of my second child. Part of my issue was I went through a business breakup and lost a lot of daily contact with a heap of people I would say are my good friends. Its debilitating an i think I understand some of what you are going through. Bad work environments can be pretty destructive. Perhaps the act of looking and applying else where will help you feel better and may open an opportunity?

I like Visionary miss some of the unfettered joy of my 20s and 30s.

Some advise which may (or not) help you cope is.. look to the future, think about what you are going to do, it could be building a new house, buying a telescope or planning a holiday to somewhere exotic or taking up Judo or woodworking. It matters not what it is or what form, I just think don't dwell on the past. I also gravitated to an activity that invested nearly 98% of my brain while doing it in the form of computer gaming. It took me to another world and distracted me from my feelings about the present. While I am not suggesting being swallowed up by this finding something, perhaps just listening to music is another alternative.

alocky is right, we all need a few laughs. 3 Stooges anyone?

All the best from another Tim..

[pmrid]

Tim,

I know this is the obvious response but it is the right one. Talk to your GP about it. Speak frankly and fully and accept that your male ego has to take a back seat while you do it. And then, listen to the advice you get. I'm betting it will include some sessions with a counselor of one sort or another. Do it!

The old saying goes something like this: "Most men lead lives of quiet desperation." I would add to that: "And most of us are too thick to realise there's a problem." You obviously are not one of them. You have insight into your problem and my guess is you also have the intelligence to do something about it.

Peter

[Neutronstar]

I think Peter is right here about approaching a GP. I also had one of my brothers that I could open up to. For me it was knowing that someone cared even if they didn't have a solution.

[xelasnave]

Run away and join a rock band and add meaning to your life.
I ran away to the bush at 50 and started a new family, then joined a rock band.
The problem may not be solvable the key is to manage it..so see your GP.
When it passes as it will life will be better than you ever expected.

[gregbradley]

The trouble with seeing a GP is all they are likely to do is prescribe some "miracle happy drug" that has its own sets of nasty side effects one of which is often depression!

Greg.

[alocky]

We should have a 'like' button in here. Both Peter and Tim are spot on!. Get help if you are struggling. I wondered if there's even a good evolutionary cause for this as you (we!) are no longer a prime breeding male and the gene pool would be better served if you (we!) were replaced.
At this phase of your life many things, each perhaps a minor setback on their own can pile up and can really weigh down on you. Suicide, extramarital affairs, alcoholism are all common 'side effects'. Even worse, you may start to think about buying a Porsche.
One of the worst trends of late is the corporate 'awareness' of depression, and I can tell you there is nothing helpful about some well meaning numpty reading a script from an R U OK day handout at you.
At least you aware that something isn't right. This in itself is not the solution but now you have a hope of finding it.
Cheers,
Andrew.

[marc4darkskies]

Some really good experience and advice so far. I think the number of replies also tells you that you are not alone!

I'm not a psychologist. Even if I was I'd still have no miracle answers for you. My wife is a trained counselor though so I know it's important to recognize signs of depression. It can be an insidious thing if you don't recognize / admit you might have it. You're GP may help with this. I suppose what I'm saying is don't just label it "mid life crisis" and ignore it.

Like many I've experienced similar symptoms - mostly because of my job and sometimes because of traumatic life events. I'm not one of these lucky people who "love" their job - it's a chore that needs to be done to pay the bills and I'm over it! It's a constant effort to not let it get me down! Definitely looking forward to retirement!!

And that's just it. The world is a beautiful place (believe it or not) - especially if you're on the right :lol:. Whatever your circumstances or means though, look for the positives, be content with what you've achieved and have, and find something to look forward to. Also, don't put up with bad relationships - I've had a couple that I've had to expunge!!

[clive milne]

This is worth an hour of your time.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WkxSyv5R1sg

[OzStarGazer]

Well, although I am still younger than that I have been in a mid-life crisis all my life, even as a kid!!!! I am just unable to be happy I guess...
But for most people it is just temporary, so I hope you will feel better soon!

[casstony]

On the topic of depression, it's important to realize that it can arise from a simple imbalance of substances in the brain which one has very little control over, in which case pills can make an enormous difference.
Alternatively depression can arise from bad life circumstances in which case counselling is more appropriate.
Mental illness isn't much different from physical illness in that often there's part of the body that's broken or just not working right.

[Paul Haese]

Having survived a bout of clinical depression about 15 years ago, some of the words you have used are little warnings that should be investigated by your GP and then by mental health professionals. Not saying that this the case but it might be worth going to talk to someone soon. I found it liberating to talk to someone neutral and it helped give me perspective.

[traveller]

Hi Tim,
I have worked in the health system, including mental health, for a number of years. First things first, see a GP and get a referral to see a psychologist or psychiatrist. That will determine if you are suffering from clinical depression. If you do, both anti depressants and psychological therapy can help (psychiatrist and GP tend to favour anti depressants).
There is no shame and stigma associated with depression like it used to be thanks to people like Jeff Kennett and others who did much work in this area.
As people (males in particular) move into middle age, it is not usual for us to question who we are, what we achieved and what we legacy we want to leave behind. This is because we are becoming increasingly aware of our mortality and of our close friends and family getting frailer. This is normal.
There is also much more talk of work life balance of late. This is driven in part by incessant consumerism and keeping up with the jones with the latest gadgets (telescope notwithstanding of course).
I actually faced a similar situation last year and decided, with the help of my wife, to take a year off to be a stay at home dad. Sure we are eating into our savings, but I am happier. I am now ready for a part time job later this year or next year. Not everyone has the same options as me just to quit a job, but it does come down to work to live v live to work.
Good luck and do let me know if you want some further info.
Cheers
Bo

[xelasnave]

Tim it is really good that you are talking about it.
I had a complete collapse and it could have been avoided if I had simply seen my GP.
.
I decided I was too old to do what I did.
I had a real estate office and gave it up at 49 yrs
Looking back poor physical health was probably the major cause because I had to push my body beyond what it could handle.
So my advise is look at your fitness.
To work you have to be fit and even then it takes a till.
Also one can see love ones differently as if they somehow cause your condition. Just remember it's not them...that can be hard.
I once thought I was.100 per cent right but happily now I realise I was 100 per cent wrong. When I felt like you describe I saw a different reality.
I no longer have the obsessive need to be perfect, right or in control and that lack of those needs makes life somewhat perfect.
I have seen so many friends go thru this..many taking the short way out.
Never argue with spouse or workers.
State your truth clearly and don't get upset if others are not on the same page.
My relationships are all great now because I don't disagree.
It's pointless arguing as it's often against a belief..you can't win..and it doesn't matter.
I find astronomy great it gets it all in perspective..we are here for but a blink and really of little importance so why worry.

[Kunama]

Very familiar sentiments in the above posts. I had been an investigator with the AFP for 21 years when I suddenly realised I had had enough of dealing with the stresses of carrying guns, dealing with drunks, and especially not being able to spend time with the family ...... it was time for a major change. For me the source of my unhappiness was my work, so I resigned and have never regretted it.

The greatest support you will get is from your family but only if they know how you feel. Work to me for the next 15 years was just something I did so I could enjoy the rest of the time with my children and wife sailing, skiing, diving and travelling. The only thing that really matters is time spent with your family.
I spent 2 hours today snoozing on the couch with my 11 month old granddaughter asleep on my chest, two of the best hours of my life !!!

I too suggest that you talk to your family and to your GP but seems to me that your work is the biggest source of discontentment, the other issues may well resolve themselves if you change direction in your work. If your work situation allows you to take time off (leave without pay) to try something else, you will have the ability to return should you wish..

One thing I realised very quickly was that the high income was not such a necessity for happy enjoyable life, we quickly adjusted to the difference in wages and in fact enjoyed the change from restaurant meals to BBQs and Bush Breakfasts.

[tlgerdes]

Hi Tim,

There is a lot of good advice in what others have said. My first observation is that you have taken the first good steps, observed that you may have a problem (likewise you may not have a problem) , and started have talking about it.

It think everyone goes through this at sometime in their life, mine happened in my teens after my parents divorced, and this gave me the tools and skills to handle those things in my future.

[LewisM]

Very similar experiences for me to Matt's.

I grew up in aviation. I was pre-destined for aviation. And so I did. Worked for one of the world's top airlines. I very quickly realised - after getting married and having kids - that I still LOVED aviation, but for the sheer love of aeroplanes and flying and NOT as a job. As a job, I LOATHED it - no seat of the pants flying, no "fun", and always away from the wife and kids. I did not even really know our eldest daughter until she was almost 3! I would sometimes see her at bed time, but more often than not I would be kissing her and my wife on the foreheads as they slept.

I had had enough. My heart was no longer in it. The only thing holding me in there as long as I lasted was the money, but money does not buy happiness. So, one day I walked into work and quit.

So, now, I basically am Mr. Mum. I LOVE it. I fly recreationally when I feel like it - I have a few friends with aircraft I can "borrow" for an hour or so. The money we saved during my flying purchased investment properties here in Australia and in Russia, the rent of which pays all our bills and our own rent (we still have not decided where we are going to settle down - here somewhere or back in Russia). It also put my wife through 3 university degrees, and she is finishing up her Masters and Honours in 2 simultaneously (she is a HARD worker!). Meanwhile, I have plodded along, doing part-time uni, getting a Undergrad in Microbiology and doing some part-time micro work at a local lab.

The midlife crisis hit me really hard, but in the end the decision was easy, as family means SO much to me - MUCH MUCH more than anything material. I was in a mental quandary for a couple months, and I did see a psychologist once (who told me to go back flying, so I gave up on her insightful information!).

Several things became readily apparent during the transition, the most significant being how much my wife and I are for each other. Sure, at times dropping a few payscales hurts and causes issues, but in the end, we have each other, and I could not wish for a less materialistic wife!

[louie_the_fly]

Originally Posted by casstony http://www.iceinspace.com.au/vbiis/images/buttons/viewpost.gif (http://www.iceinspace.com.au/forum/showthread.php?p=1189259#post118925 9)
On the topic of depression, it's important to realize that it can arise from a simple imbalance of substances in the brain which one has very little control over, in which case pills can make an enormous difference.
Alternatively depression can arise from bad life circumstances in which case counselling is more appropriate.
Mental illness isn't much different from physical illness in that often there's part of the body that's broken or just not working right.

So true. The difference between say Depression or Anxiety, and a broken arm, is that a) everyone can see you have a broken arm, and b) your arm doesn't stay broken for long.

Tim, first up, it's not a wierd question. Just the fact that you're prepared to come on here and discuss it with (mostly) total strangers, at the risk of possibly being judged, is healthy because you have identified the problem. Most ignore it until it's too late. There's been some good advice here. None better than talk to your GP IMO. If it's suggested that you take medication but you aren't comfortable with that see another GP. Ask for a referral to see a counselor of the type that you think may help you sort things out. I could always talk to my wife and my dad about anything. If your wife is still the wonderful lady you married she will want to discuss all this with you in so she can help you move forward. She may even have the same feelings. You never know.

Here's a snippet of my life just so you know it's not just you. Just after I turned 47 (I'm now 50) we sold our house of 15 years and moved to what we believed was going to be a more "relaxed" semi retirement lifestyle. I'd arranged with my employer to reduce my hours to 4 days a week. My wife only worked 3 days a week as it was. we had acreage, dark skies above one of the highest hills in the area, abundant wildlife, & trees. Hell, we even had a 1 km stretch of a river running through our new place, complete with permanent water holes and Aboriginal rock carvings. We were going to build a stone observatory, and my wife was going to start an Eco-education business. We had it all. That's when the problems began. I started having little episodes, the cause of which I couldn't explain. Then it started to escalate. Hell, I even contemplated the biggie. Didn't plan anything, just thought about it. I got taken to hospital, and I was diagnosed with anxiety and mild depression, and prescribed a micro-dose of a drug. It seems this chemical imbalance runs in my family. That was September 2013. It does make me feel OK, but the downside is that I've put on a bit of weight that I can't seem to shift.

Then the doodoo really hit the fan a month later. Our world imploded when my wife was diagnosed with incurable colorectal cancer just after her 47th birthday. Bowel, Lungs, Liver. Eventually it spread to her brain and bones, and she passed away 5 weeks ago after putting up the bravest fight I've ever seen. I felt like I lost everything. After experiencing what she (we) went through during that 20 months I've now found ways to be at ease with my life to a great extent, although it's very lonely ATM. I immerse myself in my work, talk to the dog, and I don't stress about much. I intend to take it as it comes.

I haven't written this so people feel sorry for me. The moral of my story is this. Life is complex and a lot of the time we don't understand the why's and what for's. Sometimes there is no explanation. I think approaching 50 is a difficult time in some people's lives. Not old, but not young. There's a lot of uncertainty for our age group. Employment, health, finances, our children's future's, etc. Just for a moment think about how you would feel without some of the great things you have. It might help you put some answers to your questions. Whatever you decide to do I hope it all works out for you. Someone once said “Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.”

[PCH]

Hey Stew,

what an amazing and thought provoking post mate.

I thought that Tim was very brave to post details of his personal predicament to us as has been pointed out. But your post takes the cake buddy. How much you've been through and how thoughtful and brave of you to share these most personal sentiments and experiences.

You said you weren't after sympathy. I respect that, but I'd like to offer it anyway, as I can't even begin to imagine what all that must have felt like culminating in the passing of your dearly beloved wife.

My heart goes out to you mate and all I can say is I think you're showing incredible strength of spirit in marching on like you are; a true stalwart.

I suspect both your posts (yours and Tim's) will inspire many here to reassess our own situations with renewed positivity and enthusiasm.

Thanks so much for sharing such personal stories guys, and for both of you I hope the very best of good fortune finds its way to your doorsteps from now on.

[toc]

Wow, an amazing response - I just want to express my heart felt thanks to everyone :)

I have decided to see a physiologist, because it is not really getting any easier.

Part of me feels like this is a sign of defeat because I like to think of myself as having a strong dependable personality - I guess I am self aware enough to see that I have some problems to overcome :)

And to Stew - really meant a lot that you would share that story. I lost my mother just over a year ago to breast cancer. It is a very profound experience to watch a loved ones slow decline, and eventual loss. I guess this event has probably been the trigger for some of these emotions, even though at the time it didn't feel like it.

Onward and upward!

[pmrid]

Good man. Good move. If it isn't already as clear as a bell, there are a lot of people on these fora who want to help and who will listen and give every support possible as you work through this. Really!!

Peter

[Wavytone]

Hi Tim,

Great to see you have spoken up, this alone should be a huge step for you.

Yes I have been through this. Exactly as you described: I was terribly depressed. For about a year it seemed whatever decision I made it was wrong and mostly ricocheted to bite me afterwards. So I stopped and made no decisions about anything if I could possibly help it for 6 months, just paid bills, did basic shopping and buried myself in work. But finally I woke up one morning with a firm resolution to change everything: I had asked myself do I want to be living unhappily for the next 10, 20+ years with the same person and with the same job and the answer ringing in my head was a resounding NO!

I really did change the lot - in late 40's divorced, did all the things I have long wanted to do with no-one to say no to me. I also switched to a new career and am now very happily remarried with a fine young boy. All in all a very costly exercise, but happiness is everything.

[traveller]

Good on you Tim,
I assume you are seeing a psychologist and not a physiologist?
Real strength lies in when you know your limits, so congrats on making the first move.
Best wishes
Bo

[toc]

Yes, psychologist :lol:

[Wavytone]

Tim make a bucket list and get out there and DO IT ! And to anyone who gets in the way, to quote General Patton "Lead me, follow me, or get out of my way."

Pretty much how I think these days. Life's too short to tolerate naysayers.

[Renato1]

Yes, there are many things in life which are not as you would like them to be and they may indeed be frustrating, annoying and disappointing. These are healthy negative emotions - healthy in that you can still choose to do something about the issues, or choose to accept them. But if because of your thinking, they turn to anger, anxiety or depression and subsequent unhappiness, then those are unhealty negative emotions - as you are stuck, you can't do anything about them.

I had my rut years ago, and hooked onto reading Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy, I read several books on the subject, ingrained their message into my thinking, so that I changed a lot of internal "I should" and "I must" in my thinking to "I wish" or "I prefer", and wound up a lot less stressed and happier. In most cases, there is little reason to be unhappy, though one may not be as happy as one wishes.

As luck would have it, one of the best books on the subject ("Three Minute Therapy") is available free on the internet, by clicking the chapters along the left hand side of the site. Though I find it easier to read it in book form.
http://www.threeminutetherapy.com/
I think it one of the best books because it has lots of examples.
Regards,
Renato