Mid life crisis - have you had one, and survived?

toc (Tim) · #1 14-07-2015, 11:17 PM

Hello ice inspacers - long time no post

What follows is a weird question I guess, but I know that there are a lot of people here in my age bracket - 40-60

The last year I have been experiencing a really profound feeling of uncertainly and unhappiness. It comes and goes. I am questioning who I am, and what I am doing - who I am married to, my job (especially my job), you name it, I am questioning it. Even my politics have started to move gradually to the right

Is it possible to go though life without these upheavals? My gut is telling me that only good can come from it, especially since I feel I have been plodding along for a few decades, but there is always that feeling that I might make a rash decision, and regret it later. That is life I guess. I am having a pretty rough time at work, and am thinking of trying something else but at this late stage in life I feel my options are pretty limited.

Feel free to ignore, but your thoughts might make me feel better at least

(and yes I know I am a whinny little turd who has more than most of the the planets humans and I should be greatful!)

casstony · #2 15-07-2015, 12:46 AM

I think I'm inoculated against mid-life crisis as a result of surviving the torment of a serious illness. Nothing like a life changing illness to help one focus on the good stuff in life and forget the bad stuff.

To help figure things out Tim, rather than getting sick I'd recommend doing something different with the family (eg.hike through the Himalayas or whatever gives you a thrill).

Rob_K · #3 15-07-2015, 12:46 AM

Don't worry Tim, I think it's very common, at least among friends of mine. And sorting things out in your mind is not a negative process, it's a good one.

Personally, I must have forgotten to have one and now they tell me it's too late! Suppose that comes of being utterly ambitionless with never more than short term plans, happily drifting wherever life takes me - as I continue to do. The only real change has been a shift further to the left, which probably balances out your shift to the right!!

Good luck with it!

Cheers -

ZeroID (Brent) · #4 15-07-2015, 05:57 AM

Been there, done that. Got a divorce.
My life accelerated around that time, job became very challenging and rewarding but I became unsatisfied with my domestic situation. So big upheaval which I haven't regretted as it made me re-evaluate what I was doing and where I was going. Having a 'purpose' in life is the best cure.
Now as I appoach retirement my career options are done, redundancy and loss of money and any reason to bother from an employment angle has made me re-evaluate again.
So now, Astronomy, Steam punk, Photography and fast cars are my driving ( bad pun there ) motivators. I have a couple more years of contract to go, I'm already a pensioner ( broke) so I do my own thing. The mind numbing job I've got is just a means of funding my objectives.
They want anything more than my contract, they pay.

Life is full of changes, we all go through them some how. It's up to ourselves to get something from them. Find a passion to follow.

multiweb (Marc) · #5 15-07-2015, 08:16 AM

Health and family first. Focus on the positives in your life and be happy with yourself and what you've got. Tomorrow is another day. Keep it simple and don't over think it.

gregbradley · #6 15-07-2015, 08:40 AM

I think its common. As you get older the choices of doing something fresh seem more behind you or could. Perhaps things you wanted to do you didn't and feel now you can't. I think the feeling is largely false in that at any time you could do something that is interesting or create an opportunity that is fulfilling. Its not all behind you.

Having a purpose that you are enthusiastic about, doing things you enjoy, and working towards and keeping yourself on a create makes things like that fade away. The trick I think is to keep putting a future there for yourself, no matter how simple, that you find interesting and keeps you on a create.

That is one reason why this hobby is good. It puts something there for the future all the time. Planning this image or that and this setup or that.

On the other hand if there are some nasty people at your work or somewhere that are getting you down it would not be smart to stay connected to them. Being connected to one or more nasty people can make you feel down more than anything.

Greg.

Visionary (David) · #7 15-07-2015, 09:20 AM

Your thoughts resonate with my own experience. In truth what I really miss is the unfettered joy that I experienced in my earlier life. I guess its part of the price we pay for wisdom, the cost of sound judgement. Sound judgement follows from the consideration of all things.
Whereas in our more youthful times we lived in the moment and basked under a single the bright star, whereas now we "paddle" under light of many a faded star. The light is still there, but it's from many sources now and the shadows and boarders are mixed and merged. In our youth those boarders were both stark and sharp.
A certainty that things are great and that things will get even better belongs to our youth. Consideration and balance belongs to our new status.... creaking, greying, receding Middle age.
On the upside, life is beautiful and it's there too be lived.

alocky (Andrew lockwood) · #8 15-07-2015, 09:38 AM

I can assure you that the vast majority of us go through it. You get to an age when you realise you are no longer the best looking and smartest person in the world, the Nobel prize committee is unlikely to call, the rock band you were in as a teenager maybe could have been the next Beatles, etc.
It's probably too late to become an astronaut, f1 driver, or whatever other dreams you had. Your partner has heard all your jokes and excuses. Your kids will no longer pull your finger. Let's face it, you are now the least endangered creature in the world; a middle aged male human.
As others have said, focus on the positives, be realistic about your desires but above all, cultivate your sense of humour.

My solution is to ride a crappy motorbike from Delhi into the Himalayas, and I'm leaving on Friday. Won't achieve anything but it will be a chance to re-boot. You need to sort this out yourself, in your own way, before it gets messy.
Most importantly, don't expect any good advice from the Internet.
Cheers,
Andrew

Neutronstar (T) · #9 15-07-2015, 10:53 AM

Tim, I suffered something similar also from about age 42. Around the time of my second child. Part of my issue was I went through a business breakup and lost a lot of daily contact with a heap of people I would say are my good friends. Its debilitating an i think I understand some of what you are going through. Bad work environments can be pretty destructive. Perhaps the act of looking and applying else where will help you feel better and may open an opportunity?

I like Visionary miss some of the unfettered joy of my 20s and 30s.

Some advise which may (or not) help you cope is.. look to the future, think about what you are going to do, it could be building a new house, buying a telescope or planning a holiday to somewhere exotic or taking up Judo or woodworking. It matters not what it is or what form, I just think don't dwell on the past. I also gravitated to an activity that invested nearly 98% of my brain while doing it in the form of computer gaming. It took me to another world and distracted me from my feelings about the present. While I am not suggesting being swallowed up by this finding something, perhaps just listening to music is another alternative.

alocky is right, we all need a few laughs. 3 Stooges anyone?

All the best from another Tim..

pmrid (Peter) · #10 15-07-2015, 11:09 AM

Tim,

I know this is the obvious response but it is the right one. Talk to your GP about it. Speak frankly and fully and accept that your male ego has to take a back seat while you do it. And then, listen to the advice you get. I'm betting it will include some sessions with a counselor of one sort or another. Do it!

The old saying goes something like this: "Most men lead lives of quiet desperation." I would add to that: "And most of us are too thick to realise there's a problem." You obviously are not one of them. You have insight into your problem and my guess is you also have the intelligence to do something about it.

Peter

Neutronstar (T) · #11 15-07-2015, 11:25 AM

I think Peter is right here about approaching a GP. I also had one of my brothers that I could open up to. For me it was knowing that someone cared even if they didn't have a solution.

xelasnave · #12 15-07-2015, 11:39 AM

Run away and join a rock band and add meaning to your life.
I ran away to the bush at 50 and started a new family, then joined a rock band.
The problem may not be solvable the key is to manage it..so see your GP.
When it passes as it will life will be better than you ever expected.

gregbradley · #13 15-07-2015, 11:42 AM

The trouble with seeing a GP is all they are likely to do is prescribe some "miracle happy drug" that has its own sets of nasty side effects one of which is often depression!

Greg.

Quote:

Originally Posted by pmrid

Tim,

I know this is the obvious response but it is the right one. Talk to your GP about it. Speak frankly and fully and accept that your male ego has to take a back seat while you do it. And then, listen to the advice you get. I'm betting it will include some sessions with a counselor of one sort or another. Do it!

The old saying goes something like this: "Most men lead lives of quiet desperation." I would add to that: "And most of us are too thick to realise there's a problem." You obviously are not one of them. You have insight into your problem and my guess is you also have the intelligence to do something about it.

Peter

alocky (Andrew lockwood) · #14 15-07-2015, 11:48 AM

We should have a 'like' button in here. Both Peter and Tim are spot on!. Get help if you are struggling. I wondered if there's even a good evolutionary cause for this as you (we!) are no longer a prime breeding male and the gene pool would be better served if you (we!) were replaced.
At this phase of your life many things, each perhaps a minor setback on their own can pile up and can really weigh down on you. Suicide, extramarital affairs, alcoholism are all common 'side effects'. Even worse, you may start to think about buying a Porsche.
One of the worst trends of late is the corporate 'awareness' of depression, and I can tell you there is nothing helpful about some well meaning numpty reading a script from an R U OK day handout at you.
At least you aware that something isn't right. This in itself is not the solution but now you have a hope of finding it.
Cheers,
Andrew.

marc4darkskies (Marcus) · #15 15-07-2015, 01:11 PM

Some really good experience and advice so far. I think the number of replies also tells you that you are not alone!

I'm not a psychologist. Even if I was I'd still have no miracle answers for you. My wife is a trained counselor though so I know it's important to recognize signs of depression. It can be an insidious thing if you don't recognize / admit you might have it. You're GP may help with this. I suppose what I'm saying is don't just label it "mid life crisis" and ignore it.

Like many I've experienced similar symptoms - mostly because of my job and sometimes because of traumatic life events. I'm not one of these lucky people who "love" their job - it's a chore that needs to be done to pay the bills and I'm over it! It's a constant effort to not let it get me down! Definitely looking forward to retirement!!

And that's just it. The world is a beautiful place (believe it or not) - especially if you're on the right

. Whatever your circumstances or means though, look for the positives, be content with what you've achieved and have, and find something to look forward to. Also, don't put up with bad relationships - I've had a couple that I've had to expunge!!

clive milne · #16 15-07-2015, 01:53 PM

This is worth an hour of your time.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WkxSyv5R1sg

OzStarGazer · #17 15-07-2015, 01:53 PM

Well, although I am still younger than that I have been in a mid-life crisis all my life, even as a kid!!!! I am just unable to be happy I guess...
But for most people it is just temporary, so I hope you will feel better soon!

casstony · #18 15-07-2015, 02:32 PM

On the topic of depression, it's important to realize that it can arise from a simple imbalance of substances in the brain which one has very little control over, in which case pills can make an enormous difference.
Alternatively depression can arise from bad life circumstances in which case counselling is more appropriate.
Mental illness isn't much different from physical illness in that often there's part of the body that's broken or just not working right.

Paul Haese · #19 15-07-2015, 06:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by toc

Hello ice inspacers - long time no post

What follows is a weird question I guess, but I know that there are a lot of people here in my age bracket - 40-60

The last year I have been experiencing a really profound feeling of uncertainly and unhappiness. It comes and goes. I am questioning who I am, and what I am doing - who I am married to, my job (especially my job), you name it, I am questioning it. Even my politics have started to move gradually to the right

Is it possible to go though life without these upheavals? My gut is telling me that only good can come from it, especially since I feel I have been plodding along for a few decades, but there is always that feeling that I might make a rash decision, and regret it later. That is life I guess. I am having a pretty rough time at work, and am thinking of trying something else but at this late stage in life I feel my options are pretty limited.

Feel free to ignore, but your thoughts might make me feel better at least

(and yes I know I am a whinny little turd who has more than most of the the planets humans and I should be greatful!)

Having survived a bout of clinical depression about 15 years ago, some of the words you have used are little warnings that should be investigated by your GP and then by mental health professionals. Not saying that this the case but it might be worth going to talk to someone soon. I found it liberating to talk to someone neutral and it helped give me perspective.

traveller (Bo) · #20 15-07-2015, 07:38 PM

Hi Tim,
I have worked in the health system, including mental health, for a number of years. First things first, see a GP and get a referral to see a psychologist or psychiatrist. That will determine if you are suffering from clinical depression. If you do, both anti depressants and psychological therapy can help (psychiatrist and GP tend to favour anti depressants).
There is no shame and stigma associated with depression like it used to be thanks to people like Jeff Kennett and others who did much work in this area.
As people (males in particular) move into middle age, it is not usual for us to question who we are, what we achieved and what we legacy we want to leave behind. This is because we are becoming increasingly aware of our mortality and of our close friends and family getting frailer. This is normal.
There is also much more talk of work life balance of late. This is driven in part by incessant consumerism and keeping up with the jones with the latest gadgets (telescope notwithstanding of course).
I actually faced a similar situation last year and decided, with the help of my wife, to take a year off to be a stay at home dad. Sure we are eating into our savings, but I am happier. I am now ready for a part time job later this year or next year. Not everyone has the same options as me just to quit a job, but it does come down to work to live v live to work.
Good luck and do let me know if you want some further info.
Cheers
Bo