Issues with Facebook

[PCH]

Hi All,

I'm personally not a FB user, but from time to time I keep an eye on what my kids are typing into their sessions. Last night I caught my lad in a fairly lewd discussion with some chick, using all manner of unsavoury words etc etc...

When I confront him, I get a long drawn out explanation of how things have moved on and even the teachers use this language these days, and how square I am and to chill out - I'm sure you know the story.

So he's banned for a couple of months.

But what I want to know is if there is some software out there that can find for me the passwords that my guys are using for the various social media outlets - although I think they only use FB.

Or, if there is some way I can keep (random) tabs on what they are up to - a key press tracker for exampe, - short of having to look over their shoulders while they're typing !

I'd be interested to hear how others cope with this sort of thing, as I'm sure it's quite widespread.

Cheers :thumbsup:

[bojan]

It is wide spread - and there is nothing you can do about it - privacy laws.

You can't prevent your own kid from doing anything illegal (because it is illegal to limit their freedoms) but you are still responsible for his/her illegal actions, and you will have to put up a bill at the end.

Brave new world...

[wavelandscott]

It is a tough one...my kids are a bit young but my oldest (now 13) will get to establish a FB account in a few weeks time on the condition that my Wife and I are "friended" to the highest level and can see his posts and his wall.

A ban will be pretty hard to enforce as your boy can access FB most likely from a phone or any internet connected computer...so while he might be banned at home if he wants he can find another way to access the thing.

[big_dav_2001]

There's a few antivirus programs out there which will let you block certain websites, such as social networking sites among other things kids shouldn't see with a parental control password. But, as Scott said, that only applies to your computer, he would still be able to log on with another comp or phone.

Maybe try taking over the computer while he's logged in to FB and changing his password, then you will have full control when he can log on.

[multiweb]

IMHO the problem is not facebook or the communication media. Your boy needs a serious talk and realise that it's not how things have moved on. He should be old enough to know there's no place for lewd discussion online or in real life. Treat the problem at the root. Bans won't work. My 2c.

[M54]

You did the right thing.
It's ok to insist on basic decent language and behavior, even if they think you're a square and uptight.
That's them pushing the boundries to see where they are.

Your son will respect you for your standards a little further down the track. :)

[ngcles]

Hi Paul,

For what it's worth, I think you did the right thing. I'm on Facebook and quite enjoy it, even though I don't have hundreds and hundreds of friends.

As a parent myself I can understand your feelings and I guess I'm lucky with my one who is perfectly content to have me as a friend.

I'd suggest that you create a rule that after a couple of weeks that he is allowed on FB provided he adds you as a friend with full access (you will have to join), but don't comment directly on FB to him if you think he is doing the wrong thing, do it privately at home otherwise you will humiliate him in front of his friends. The only thing you won't be able to see are conversations in chat with other friends.

His excuse (rightly or wrongly) is somewhat valid; it's pretty sad but the current generation do speak to each other like that and it is pretty normal (not that I'm endorsing it -- it's just a fact). I know that even the teachers at public high schools sometimes even speak to the kids with language littered with invective. I find it disappointing that people can't seem to speak without every other word being (you know what). I'm no Sunday School teacher -- I was a copper for 22 years and if you want to hear some blue language, work in a police station, there's nowhere worse. That's part of the reason I don't use invective unless I am really severely provoked (like dropping a sledgehammer on my foot) -- I wanted to stand out from the crowd as someone who could communicate effectively (even while expressing strong emotions) without resort to invective.

I'm lucky (again) my 20 year old has never said anything on FB that I wouldn't be happy for her to say to her granny. That's just the way she is -- she really hates the continual swearing and sexual stuff. I think she may have caught that from me.

Best of luck with it -- its a difficult area and being an effective parent is a tough job in this day and age. Don't blame yourself.


Best,

Les D

[Jen]

:hi: gday Paul if you cant beat em join them i say :lol: if you wanna know what they are up to on facebook you need to sign up then you get to see all their activities on there they will soon pull up if you keep lurking and popping parental comments in between their friends comments :lol::lol:
Its sad to say the only way i find out what my daughter is up to is by logging in to facebook and i know where she is and who she is within 10min :lol:

[blindman]

Lots of words - no advice.
Try Spider Web or something similar, program which tracks keyboard entry.
Cheers Blindman

[Poita]

Yes there is key logging software available for Windows, OSX, Linux etc. but it is a pretty invasive way to do things.
e.g. http://www.spyarsenal.com/familykeylogger/

I keep our computer in the lounge room, all family computing occurs 'in the open'. But of course they could be connecting at school, the library etc. so I try to inform them of privacy and safety issues.

I personally left Facebook a few months ago and have been making more meaningful one-on-one connections with people since. It meant I have effectively lost contact with quite a few people as well, but I figured if they are unable to find the minute or two of time to keep in contact via phone, email etc. once a month or so, then they probably didn't quite qualify as 'friends' anymore. I miss it sometimes, but it was the right decision for me.

One thing to point out is that the data on Facebook never really goes away, and anyone of their friends can keep copies of it. It can hurt future job prospects, relationships etc. if all of the stupid stuff you say and do is recorded forever and is public.

[TheDecepticon]

For my home network, I have edited the host file on all computers and banned any type of social networking sites. As soon as a new one pops up, I add that. You could probably block a lot of sites using your modem software if you have a good quality modem.

The strange thing is that the kids that are still at home do not have a lot of interest in this type of rubbish, it is their older siblings that destroy a good computer when the come over to baby sit, by using these sites and downloading all sorts of crap and viruses.

Social networking, in my opinion, is unnecessary in most cases. If you wanna talk to someone down the street, go down there and knock on the door and say gidday.

I know I'm an old stick in the mud, but hey, we got by without it.

[Suzy]

Hi Paul,
Sorry to hear your troubles.

I've got a few suggestions:

Download a keylogging programme. Google "keyloggers". I haven't tried it, but hubby tells me it keeps a log of everything that's been typed.

VNC or Teamviewer. This allows you to look at his computer screen and do whatever you like. Basically, you can completely take over. We have that programme set up here at home so hubby can retrieve stuff from his home computer from work. Rather freaky I must admit when the computer gets taken over by someone while you're trying to do something and you see that mouse darting all over the place opening and closing files.:lol:

I'm not sure if "friending" him on fb will completely solve the problem. I spend a lot of my time on fb messaging backwards and forwards and then there's also the chat window. So even if you're a friend, NO- you can't see who he's chatting to (that's msg'ing and chat box).

I have to agree with everything that Mark (multiweb) said.
This problem is not just a fb problem.
I really do sympathise with what you're going through. :sadeyes:

[PCH]

Hi Guys,

thanks so much to all who have shared thir opinions, thoughts and experiences on this subject.

Thanks Les, I had even thought the same thing myself, that it is in fact the way things have moved - and 'yes', my kids do tell me that this type of language is fairly common among teachers. Dear me, - how things have changed in such a short period of time.

Thanks Marc for your thoughts. I certainly agree that it is an issue that needs to be sorted out at 'cause' level rather than just monitoring the 'effect'.

Jen, in general I'm not an abstainer from things '21st century', I've just never had a use for FB. I prefer, as others have suggested, talking face to face. Half sentences of heiroglyphics and indecipherable abbreviations doesn't really interest me all that much.

Scott, as you point out, they can access this stuff from mobile devices. They even get it free on most phones it seems. Thanks for your thoughts and good luck with your upcoming experience with your son.

Suzy, - are you sure hubby's not tracking you and what you're up to online?? Hey, you're right about the 'friending' - I don't get to see their private chats which is pretty much where all the 'stuff' happens.

Molly, thanks for your kind words. I really hope they do eventually appreciate our persistence. Let's face it, they're going to need all the help they can get if standards keep going downhill at this rate !

Peter/Poita, I've thought along those lines all along. They're never going to have 'puters in their bedrooms. We have two desktops in an open-to-view study, and a laptop which does actually go all over the house, but which is used mostly by my more sensible eldest daughter for homework. But thanks for the suggestion.

I think I've decided that the key logger option isn't really the way I want to go. I prefer to try to get him to understand that it doesn't have to be like this to be fun. I'm used to being a 'pooper' anyway, so a bit more won't harm.

Thanks once again to all for your thoughts and experiences.

All the best :thumbsup:

[RAJAH235]

Paul,
If you run Firefox,
Take a look at this KB article for a few hints...
> http://kb.mozillazine.org/Parental_controls

There's also a few from MS...
> http://www.microsoft.com/en-au/security/family-safety/default.aspx#Products

[PCH]

Hi Rajah235,

I took a quick look at that, - it's very interesting. It's late now, but I'll take a closer look over the weekend.

Thanks very much for pointing that stuff out to me :thumbsup:.

[Suzy]

Well Ameahl, the Arabian millionaire with boyish good lucks and muscles of steel is staying on my facebook no matter what. :whistle:
:face::face::face:

Note to self: Secretly buy identical lappy and leave other lappy as a prop.:question::lol:

[PCH]

You're a laugh Suzy - still, I like a girl with principles :D

[Baddad]

Hi Paul,:)

I tend to agree with Marc's advice. Have a talk. Bad language reduces one's credibility. Teenagers need to be accepted into their group and behave accordingly to achieve that. Even when that behaviour may cause others to lose respect.
This is what a teenager needs to be made aware of.;)

To go checking on the young one and he becomes aware of it can cause much damage to your relationship. Strive to trust him rather than be "Big Brother". Of-course he will have to earn that trust.
I used to tell my kids that I trust them untill they did something wrong. They may be able to do things and get away with it for a while. Eventually they would be caught. I treated them with the respect that adults have. I treated them like adults. They never abused that privilege. Or maybe I never found out.:D:P

Treat them like kids, they behave like kids.

Cheers:)

[PCH]

Hi Marty,

hmmm, - some good pointers there. Thanks for that :thumbsup:

[casstony]

Our oldest is only 12yo, but we have no intention of giving them access to facebook at home. They complain occasionally but I think they tolerate our rules because we take them to sports three nights of the week and usually socialise with others on one of the weekend days. Between school and after school face-to-face socialising I don't see any need for facebook.

[blink138]

hello paul
this may sound strange but this is what i done with my youngest (15)
open a facebook account yourself and then send a "friend request" to him or her. You have to make sure they accept it, and then it is a simple task to make sure the stay on the straight and narow by accessing their book any time
my lad knows he cannot be on it after 9:30pm, but it also gives the time of any communication
Our football team had a crap weekend!
pat